Feeling Vulnerable

     It feels pretty awful to feel vulnerable when it comes to your own spouse. It's a byproduct of not being able to trust them and feeling at risk. Things I had never considered before were now a reality for me. All of the years that I explicitly trusted him were now a thing of the past. New things went through my mind that i had never thought of before.
     I've always been an open book with my husband (and most other people as well). I never had anything to hide or feel like it should be tucked away. I changed my laptop passwords and my cell phone password frequently. Because I sought advice from others, and wrote about my feelings in journal posts on my laptop, I felt a need to protect those words from my husband coming across them. I had notes written with monthly budget amounts in case I faced an attorney someday over a request for a divorce. All of these I wanted to hide from any curious eyes.
     It also causes vulnerability to feel that you have no clue about what decisions are floating around in their mind. They may be using time for financial planning that protects them, and pulls the rug out from under you. In my situation, he was the sole provider, and I was at the mercy of what would happen if our marriage ended. And while you have attorney's advice on what can be done to protect yourself, it still feels awful to not know what steps they are taking on their end. 
     These are feelings that shouldn't exist inside of a God-centered marriage, and yet they were my daily reality for quite a long time. If you know these feelings, you understand the insecurity they cause, and how it can be frustrating and angering to experience them. But no matter what my marriage situation was, I had to remind myself that my future didn't sit on my husband's shoulders, but rather in the mighty hands of my Heavenly Father. He would protect me, no matter what I faced- He would provide for me because He is always faithful. I never have to worry about myself when I'm under His wings, and I can't outrun His hand of protection and provision. It was those thoughts that kept me grounded and sane when fear crept in, and made me feel vulnerable and uncertain. There was always the knowledge of God's care over me, and He spoke it to my bruised and wounded spirit. No matter what you face, friend, if you belong to Him, there is no reason to fear. There is no situation too big for Him, and He reminds us through His Word that nothing is too hard for Him. 

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who hate you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:27-31 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for always protecting me and looking out for my own good. It is scary and unsettling to feel vulnerable in a bad way, and I'm so thankful You are with me in those times as well. Help any others who are facing those feelings today, and remind them of Your steadfast love and care. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!