Life's Second Biggest Decision

 I have a confession to make, and I hope I don't cause any of you women readers to fall into the same obsession as me. I love Freebird boots, and can't seem to stop perusing their website, trying to choose my next pair. They are hand-made, and the sizes can be slightly off, so I read and read and read all the reviews in hopes of choosing the right size. I never buy them without some sort of promotional discount, but the best I usually get is 20% off. If they are discounted, the company won't accept returns or exchanges, so it's very important to choose precisely. There is an actual hashtag for #freebirdaddiction, and I guess I can say that resonates with me. And while choosing the perfect new pair of Freebirds has a cost investment, it won't ultimately change my life if I choose wrong.

Choices-we make them every day. Some are bigger and some are less consequential. I choose what to feed my family for dinner, I choose what to wear each day, and I choose where I need to go. All of these choices and decisions are pretty unimportant, and won't generally make a huge impact on my life. Then I find myself making bigger decisions. Where would I go to college? What do I want to do with my life? Should we buy a new car or a new house? Are we ready to be parents? Where does God want me to serve Him? These decisions are much more impactful, and need careful consideration when making a choice. 

Life's biggest decision is the choice we make about Jesus Christ. Will we accept His free gift of salvation and allow Him to wash us clean of our sin and guilt, or will we ignore His gift and ultimately find ourselves eternally separated from God in a place of eternal punishment? Because this decision affects not only this life, but our eternal destiny, it's obviously the big one. And yet many people ignore His calling, and live a self-centered life, seeking pleasure and their own way. If you haven't yet made the decision to be a follower of Jesus, I urge you to choose Christ and accept His free gift today. This is the most urgent issue we face, and should be treated with seriousness and without hesitation. 

But what's second in importance? What other decision has a huge impact on our life? I can't think of one more important than choosing a spouse. This choice should be given careful consideration, and should include a lot more than just physical attraction. Are you both on the same spiritual page? Do you have a similar desire to allow God to lead you in your lives together? Do you feel safe and secure with this person? Are there multiple red flags? Have you spent enough time together to really know one another? Do you share a future vision that you are mutually happy with? Do you both want a family? Are you committed to stay together, and learn from the things that make you so different? 

Even after we make our choice, there will be issues that arise through the years. You'll disagree. You'll find certain habits annoying. Our spouse could become disabled or disfigured. They may lose their job or fall into periods of depression. They may gain weight or lose their hair. They'll get wrinkles, and wear their favorite shirt over and over again, even though you strongly dislike it. They'll leave clothes on the floor, and chew louder than you prefer. There will be a host of reasons why this person you chose so carefully, will occasionally drive you crazy. But here comes another very important choice-will you stay? Will you stay when life gets hard, and life changes each of you? 

Marriage is such an important decision, because it's to last a lifetime. There shouldn't be an escape clause. This person is your person-flesh of your flesh. You have become essentially one when God joined the two of you together. So many people throw in the towel and walk away, only to be let down that the next person isn't perfect either. And so I want to encourage any who have not made this choice yet to choose well. Look past the exterior, and look deep at the heart. Is this a heart you trust and respect? Is this person someone you are excited to share your whole life with? Will this person be strength in your weak areas, and will you decide to love them-no matter what?

Our spouse will bring us joy and disappointment. And we will bring out those same feelings in our husband or wife. We aren't promised an easy road as God's children-but rather that we will be called to identify with suffering like Jesus did. That means sometimes life is hard, and bad things will happen. Looking at my own marriage, I am thankful for the choice I made. Some seasons have been difficult and heartbreaking, but most have been joy-filled. And the seasons that were hard, ultimately brought us closer together. Our journey is a story we have made and lived out together. God has revealed great purpose in our love story, and I am blessed each day to be living out His plans for us. So, weigh your decisions and seek His best for you. And just in case anyone wondered, my next pair of Freebirds are on the way! 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him (James 1:5, ESV).

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:6, ESV).

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you (Psalm 32:8, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, may we seek Your way for us in our lives. We confess our need to bring our decisions before You, waiting on Your best for us, and yet we often choose without consulting Your Word. Help us to remember the value in seeking Your Word when we are faced with decisions-especially in choosing a spouse. We thank You for Your grace, mercy and wisdom. In Your name we pray, Amen!

**There are certain circumstances where it is biblical to leave. If your safety is in jeopardy, or the safety of your children, please seek shelter and help. There are other situations, such as infidelity, that may cause one to leave a marriage. But in most cases (not all, but most) , healing and restoration is possible.

What are You Made Of?

     So, you're a Christian, and you're not afraid to say you are, but are you afraid to live like one? Like, really live like one. Not just attending your place of worship, reading the Bible occasionally and offering up prayers when you need something- I'm talking about much more than that. It's easy to proclaim something, but much harder to live something.

     In my recent study on the book of Daniel, I was amazed at the courage a few simple Jews displayed in light of the powerful, pagan King of Babylon. Take Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. These men were faced with a very tough decision- bow and worship the golden image made by the hands of men, or refuse to worship any god beside their Yahweh. The cost of refusing to obey the King's command meant they would be thrown into a fiery furnace, ensuring their certain death. Then there was Daniel. He could obey the King's decree that they should only bow down to him, or face being thrown into the lion's den for praying to God. These were hungry lions- vicious and strong. 

     What was it like for them in that moment, refusing to kneel before that image? And for Daniel- boldly praying in view of critical eyes? What kind of faith drew these men to willingly face a fiery furnace, or a den of lions? These aren't just stories; they are real-life encounters carefully recorded in biblical history. Place yourself in their shoes. Do you have the courage and the faith to willingly face certain death for God? Do you have the faith to believe that He can deliver you from these circumstances that are seemingly impossible to survive? 

     I love how these men believed God would deliver them. It may be easy to believe it when they were safely away from the fire and lions. But in the moment they were led to that fiery furnace and those hungry lions, they could have chosen, right then, to renounce their faith and save themselves. But they didn't. I think of myself in that moment, and I pray to have the same faith, obedience, and courage that these men displayed.

     In light of what they faced, I'm ashamed at the lesser trials I've shied away from out of fear. I've faced difficulties far easier than a fiery furnace or a hungry pack of lions- and I've complained. I've said, "It's not fair!" I've walked away, rather than boldly walked forward. I've argued my case for avoiding hard situations, wishing to be happy and comfortable instead. I've chosen to remain stagnant in this place of comfort and security, refusing to step out in blind faith. And I don't want to stay here- even though it feels nice, safe, and secure. Because "easy" won't allow me to experience the growth God desires for me. 

     Friend- are you afraid? Do you wish for the courage of a Daniel? Are you tired and frustrated with living in your comfortable space, free from any real cost? Maybe God will lead you through fire- I've been there a time or two, and it's a painful place to be. I bet you've been there, too. But my guess is that we will be faced with more. What will you do when the fire returns? Will you run, or will you stay? Will you trust Him to see you through, or will you be angry and bitter that He allowed it? Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were all delivered from certain death because of their great faith. We may not be delivered the way we hope to be, but we know He will deliver us. "Lord, give us courage to have faith with real substance- not a faith that fears!"

     Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, "O

     Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If 

     this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the 

     burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.

     But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your

     gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel

     3:16-18 ESV).

Don't Know what You've Got Until it's Gone

     There's a lot of truth to the title and lyrics of this song by Cinderella. This likely dates me a little- back to the 80's, which was a pretty good decade, to be honest. But just the simple truth in the song title is as real as real gets. For me, I took my life and my marriage for granted, but when faced with the very real possibility of losing my marriage, there was a lot of loss associated with that.
     It's a lot easier, today, to write a blog post on this subject, because I know the outcome of our journey through infidelity. But in reality, there is a lot to be gained in taking stock of whatever stage of life we are living today. Even in those darker months and years, there were life lessons and cultivating that I needed to learn and experience in order to appreciate today. When I think of life without my husband, I realize with clarity, the real sense of loss I faced. 
     Losing my marriage meant losing so much more than just a wedding ring and a last name. It meant losing my life partner- losing the yin to my yang (whatever that even is;). It meant making big decisions on my own and finishing up parenting as separated parents- not united. It meant quiet, lonely evenings and cereal for dinner, because cooking for one is a waste of my time. There was no one to fall asleep with each night, and no one to share all the little details of my day and my life. Who would care for me if I fell ill? What would I do with our family home and how do we separate personal items? There is so much associated with our marriage partner that we don't even realize until we lose it. For those readers whose spouse has died, my heart hurts for you. There is a permanency there that forces one to move forward without their other half, and I'm sure the pain is horrible.
     One of the best lessons to take from each day, and each moment in our journey, is to find the good in where we are. There is always good even in our most difficult moments. I can see the hugs, support, love, and prayers from my dearest friends and family in those dark times, and I see good. I look at how God made His presence so real and so comforting and I praise Him for His goodness. I can see how I was changed for the better through what we experienced. I can see how my husband is a better man because of what God brought us through. I see the good in our marriage today, and how much richer it is from experiencing near loss. Whatever it is you are facing today, I encourage you to see the good, and not just the heartache. It's understandable and easy to wish away these more difficult days, but trust that God is with you in your today, and He will use these moments to make a better "you" than you could ever imagine. Loss makes us appreciate what we do have, and I pray that today, you will find the touches of God in your present, and praise Him for them!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, Colossians 1:13 ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving back to me not only what I almost lost, but so much more. That is something only You can do, Father, and I praise You for Your ability to bless us beyond measure. For those who have lost a spouse, I pray for comfort and healing. We are so thankful that no matter what our circumstances, You are with us. You love us with a love we can't understand, and we are so grateful. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Feeling Vulnerable

     It feels pretty awful to feel vulnerable when it comes to your own spouse. It's a byproduct of not being able to trust them and feeling at risk. Things I had never considered before were now a reality for me. All of the years that I explicitly trusted him were now a thing of the past. New things went through my mind that i had never thought of before.
     I've always been an open book with my husband (and most other people as well). I never had anything to hide or feel like it should be tucked away. I changed my laptop passwords and my cell phone password frequently. Because I sought advice from others, and wrote about my feelings in journal posts on my laptop, I felt a need to protect those words from my husband coming across them. I had notes written with monthly budget amounts in case I faced an attorney someday over a request for a divorce. All of these I wanted to hide from any curious eyes.
     It also causes vulnerability to feel that you have no clue about what decisions are floating around in their mind. They may be using time for financial planning that protects them, and pulls the rug out from under you. In my situation, he was the sole provider, and I was at the mercy of what would happen if our marriage ended. And while you have attorney's advice on what can be done to protect yourself, it still feels awful to not know what steps they are taking on their end. 
     These are feelings that shouldn't exist inside of a God-centered marriage, and yet they were my daily reality for quite a long time. If you know these feelings, you understand the insecurity they cause, and how it can be frustrating and angering to experience them. But no matter what my marriage situation was, I had to remind myself that my future didn't sit on my husband's shoulders, but rather in the mighty hands of my Heavenly Father. He would protect me, no matter what I faced- He would provide for me because He is always faithful. I never have to worry about myself when I'm under His wings, and I can't outrun His hand of protection and provision. It was those thoughts that kept me grounded and sane when fear crept in, and made me feel vulnerable and uncertain. There was always the knowledge of God's care over me, and He spoke it to my bruised and wounded spirit. No matter what you face, friend, if you belong to Him, there is no reason to fear. There is no situation too big for Him, and He reminds us through His Word that nothing is too hard for Him. 

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who hate you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:27-31 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for always protecting me and looking out for my own good. It is scary and unsettling to feel vulnerable in a bad way, and I'm so thankful You are with me in those times as well. Help any others who are facing those feelings today, and remind them of Your steadfast love and care. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

His Story- Back with No Change

     Back in August of last year, I returned home after several months of living with my sister. My time back home consisted of a couple months, and I know people have wondered why I came home, only to leave again. What motivated me to return, and why didn’t it last?

     My life is in North Carolina. The woman I was involved with was from Michigan, and nothing I knew or was involved with, other than her, was there. My family was in NC, my children were in NC, my work was in NC, my friends lived in NC, and I built a business in NC. My mind was torn, at the time, in where I really wanted to be and who I wanted to be with. I could see the hurt I was causing to those I loved here in my home state, and it bothered me immensely. But other times, I could avoid seeing those I loved, and I pushed it from my heart and mind.

     I was also deeply influenced, not only from my own selfishness, but also from the lies of Satan. I could hear his voice whispering words of doubt- telling me that it was too late to rebuild what I had destroyed, and that coming back would result in people looking down at me the rest of my life. But I would get windows of clarity, and see those lies for what they were. And so I returned home, believing I could make the necessary changes, and patch broken relationships. I felt that with effort, I could restore the spiritual brokenness I was experiencing, and while I should have known better, I was believing in my own capability to fix things, rather than recognizing that only God could restore what I had carelessly destroyed.

     And after returning home, it didn’t take long for me to see that I was not where I needed to be spiritually, to make things right. I received grace from others, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I would see those I knew were praying for me, and it amplified the feelings of guilt I already felt, and so I desired to remove myself from those feelings once again.

     It was my own foolishness that once again contacted the other woman, and felt I had been missing what we had together. And yet when I walked away from home, it only took a week for God to open my eyes to my situation, and the foolishness of my thought pattern. I want to warn any who are flirting with danger, when it comes to your marriage. No matter how far you’ve gone, it is never too late to turn around, and make things right with God. Whether you get the opportunity with your spouse, children or loved ones, that is secondary to making things right with God. Don’t listen to the lies of Satan, that it is too late for you. God is a God of grace and mercy, and we can never wander so far that He won’t pursue us and lead us back to Him. How grateful I am to this wonderful God I serve, and His compassion to His sinful people- a compassion I don’t deserve, yet He showered me with it.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12 ESV

Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago. Acts 3:19-21 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I don’t deserve Your grace or mercy, and yet You liberally shower me with it. Humans have a problem giving it to others, and yet You, a God that is Holy and just, give it to us- Your people. I thank You for it, not only today, but every day. Thank You for being a loving and gracious Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen!