In my last post, I discussed lies and betrayal. But behind the lies is a mountain of guilt. You may or may not know how this feels. I can tell you that even though it stemmed from my own choices and behavior, it feels terrible. Guilt manifested itself in many different behaviors for me, but the biggest one that stands out is withdrawal.
It's a vicious cycle, with lying. You lie, you feel guilty and withdraw. It was a behavior pattern for me that not only I could see, but my wife could as well. The lies between us caused me to withdraw from her. I was careful not to stay too close to her, or even any other family members, because I was sadly worried about receiving texts from the other woman, and upsetting them. And so I avoided my wife and my own family.
I was staying with my sister during much of the past year, and I lied to her as well. My sister is a good woman- God-fearing, and not afraid to speak her opinion. And so I lied to her about my whereabouts, and what I was up to. I didn't want her to question me, or voice her disapproval. I tried to stay out of the house most of the time I knew she would be home or awake. By doing so, I could avoid any probing questions or feeling like I needed to lie about my life and relationships.
I also withdrew from lifelong friends. This hurts me to think on as well, because they were people that sought to lead me to a better place, and I knew it. But by avoiding them, I felt I wasn't being put in a position to feel like I needed to lie to cover up the reality of my life. They would send me texts for requests to get together, and I avoided returning them most of the time. I was ducking out on the people I had cared the most about in life, because I didn't know what I wanted to do, and didn't want to hear what I knew they would tell me.
Some nights I would lie awake at night and feel so convicted of my behavior, and others I would immediately crash from the exhaustion of worrying about all of it. But God never stopped speaking to me, and He kept pursuing me. I could run from friends and family, but there is only so long He will let us run from Him. Any time we allow ourselves to withdraw from God, we are in trouble. His faithfulness to us will never allow it to be the other way around. So many times I knew He had every right to turn His back on me, and Satan tried to remind me of that lie. But it is against His character, and opposes a love for me that I don't deserve or understand.
If you are on my side of infidelity, you can likely relate to the feelings of guilt and withdrawal, and if you're on the other side, I hope it gives you a window into the ways Satan uses our sin to manipulate our thought pattern. He finds a way to use it so we feel unable to make things right, and continue in our destructive ways. I am so thankful to a God, and a woman that never stopped believing in the Spirit's ability to change me, and for faithful love towards an unfaithful man.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 ESV
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your faithful pursuit of me. No matter how much I withdrew from You or my loved ones, You never withdrew from me. In the quiet of the night, I could hear You calling out to me. In the chaos of the day, I heard Your whispers. Thank You, Lord for Your undeserved faithfulness to sinful me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
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