Forgive and Forget?

        I have a long trail of transgressions behind me that I simply don't remember- they were trivial in nature, and with 49 years of living and forgiving, who could recall them all? I've forgiven lies, backstabbing, gossip, fist fights (siblings only), and hurt feelings. I've given no less than I've received when it comes to hurting others. And while many of them are long forgotten, plenty of them are still fresh in my mind. 
     For all of you that love me, and know me well, I hope you still do when I tell you a story from my childhood. I was number two in a sibling pack of four. At any moment in time, any of us could be the one the others turned on, and I well remember a few times we turned on our littlest- my youngest brother, Daniel. We sound pretty uncivilized when I say we occasionally "dog piled our brother." Maybe it was because he screeched the loudest, and Mom always got after us when he did (and might I add he would smile at us behind her back when we did get it). But I recall my older sister, my other brother, and I waiting for him to come downstairs where we "jumped" him. My idea was to rub a nylon hairbrush on his arm, which I'm sure, felt awful! Just to clarify a little, we were all very young, and he didn't bleed. But in this moment, I needed forgiveness, but I didn't forget what I did all these years later, and maybe he hasn't either. 
     The thing is, we all have hurt others- and especially those we love the most. And while we may forgive them, we often can't forget the hurtful words or actions. They are locked away in our memory because they were painful enough to remember. Infidelity is like that. While we can forgive and move on, we don't forget what we came through, and how it changed us. Forgiving means we no longer hold the offense against the one that hurt us, but to forget doesn't seem possible when the hurt goes that deep. And I think it's important not to forget the valuable lessons we learned through our own journey, while forgetting the offense. The lessons learned help guard us in our "today moments", and helped strengthen our marriage and our relationships with one another and our Lord. I'm truly thankful for the lessons God taught us through our own story, and am certain He will use them for good. Yes, we forgave, but we also remember.
     That's what makes us so unlike God. When you think about it, every sin committed in all of history, is against Him. The hairbrush rubbing, the affair, the fighting, the lying, the hurting- every one is against Him. Should my sins be tallied up, I would cringe in embarrassment at how awful I really am. But on the cross, many years ago, my sins were washed away with the holy, precious blood of Jesus- forgiven forever! And not only did Jesus forgive my sins, but He chooses not to recall them. He doesn't assign my sins to me anymore, labeling me by them- which is such an amazing gift. While we look on others and remember the hurtful words or actions they did to us, He chooses not to do that. When we think of how God does this for us, I feel shame for what I choose to remember. While it's wise to remember the lessons learned from past hurts, it's grace that allows me to let go of the offense, and never again place that label on the offender. "God help me in all ways, to be more like You."

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 ESV
Then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." Hebrews 10:17 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I often don't realize just how far I fall short of being an example of Your Son, Jesus. Help me, Father, to not only forgive, but to forget the offense, while remembering the lessons learned from it. Help me to never assign labels to others that are human, just like me. We all sin because we are not perfect or holy. Help me to love others and forgive the way You do, Lord. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!


     

How I Felt About Him When We Were Apart

     My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.

     When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn't know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.

     I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn't like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn't that I didn't have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn't do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.

     We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor - a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn't always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn't matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it's hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen! 

Triggered

     If you have experienced an emotional trauma in life, you likely have triggers that bring it back to mind. It may be a smell, a phrase, a song, or something you see. You may think you have effectively put it away from the forefront of your mind, and when you experience a trigger, it slams its unwelcome presence back to the surface of your brain. We may do our best to try to avoid our triggers, but at some point, we will likely come face to face with one that will unnerve us and cause us to remember. 

     For me, I have quite a few that come to mind. I love music- many different genres. There is an extensive list of country music songs that make me dive for the power button, hoping to never hear them again. And places- I have a list of them that I prefer not to revisit for the memories they evoke. Even seasons can be painful, remembering what was going on during that time when we were in our valley of pain and heartache. 

     You likely have your own triggers, and you know what they are. It's crazy how well we think we are doing, and then a trigger puts us back in our minds to a place we don't want to remember. But the triggers will stay with us, so I have made a plan for what to do with them when they surface- because I know they will. I could choose to let them ruin my day or moment, or I can look at them in a different way. I can see how far I have come from that bad memory, and how God faithfully walked me through the storm. I can remember the family and friends that stepped in and carried my burdens with me. I can see how God used that bad season to make me stronger and more dependent on Him. I can see how He placed people in my life that would need me because I know the pain of that trial- and how their need of me, in turn, helped in my own healing. Yes, I will choose to think of the good that came from those bad moments when I hear that blasted song yet again, or think about that place I don't want to go, ever again. And one day, those memories won't hurt quite so bad. I'll learn to be thankful that God allowed them, knowing it would be a part of my story that would make me softer, more relatable, and overwhelmed at God's ability to make what was intended for evil, more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. Deuteronomy 8:2 ESV

Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, Isaiah 46:9 ESV

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, my memory holds some painful experiences, but I pray that You will help me recall Your faithfulness to me through those experiences. You walked me through the darkest parts of my story, and You are there even when I think I don't need You. Lord, I always need You, and I'm thankful You are always there with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

     

Hands

     I remember, as a new mom, looking at my son's hands and wondering what their history would be. What would they do? Who would they touch? What would they feel? Would they be loving hands, or hurt others? These were my thoughts as his little fingers gripped mine. Hands physically connect us to others, and his tiny hands were precious to me.
     I've always loved my husband's hands. They feel like a man- they tell a story of hard work and care. They fix things, they create, they instruct, and they please. They are much bigger than mine, and my hand felt safe and secure in his. But when I discovered his unfaithfulness, his hands told a story I didn't like. They now included deceit and I wondered many of the same things about them that I had wondered about my son's tiny hands. What had they done? Where had they been? Who had they touched? These thoughts wounded my spirit.
     I could choose to get stuck in that negative thought pattern, or I could take a good look at my own hands. What is their history? Who have they hurt? While my hands have often been loving, they have also been unkind. As a kid, these hands hurt my siblings. My hands have touched things they had no business touching. My hands have neglected the needs of others. My hands are also guilty of a less than upstanding history. 
     This draws me to think of another pair of hands- hands that have scars. These scars tell a story of sacrifice and love beyond comprehension. They were the only hands that have no history of sin, yet they had nails cruelly placed in them. They were hands that healed others, fed the hungry, embraced children, and reached out to any that would come. They never hurt. They were hands that were full of compassion, and they stretched out in love on that cross of Calvary. 
     I look at my own hands now- dirty with sin, and I am thankful for those scarred hands. For in them, He washes the dirt from mine, and gives me hands that are clean before the Father. While my hands have a history of sin, through His precious sacrifice, they are clean.  No matter what they have done, before our Savior, the dirt of sin is washed away with His blood. This helps me to look at the hands of others with new eyes- eyes that see His ability to erase the sin history of our hands, and give us hands willing to serve Him. Thank You Lord, for forgetting the sins of my past, and giving me a future full of grace, and fresh starts. 

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:8 ESV
Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven: Lamentations 3:41 ESV
Lift up your hands to the holy place and bless the LORD! Psalm 134:2 ESV
Let the favor of the LORD our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands! Psalm 90:17 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help my hands to be busy with Your work. Help me to look at my own hands, and what they have done, rather than looking at the hands of others. May my hands be kind, gentle, useful and compassionate. While my history holds disappointment, my future is full of opportunity. May my best days of service start today. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

I Don't Love you Anymore

     When love is new and exciting, you can't imagine a day you won't feel that way. You get that fluttery feeling in your stomach when they touch you. You can't wait to see them after even a short time apart. They are always in your mind, and you often can't focus well on anything but them. This is love. But it's only part of love, and not what we will experience every day with our spouse.
     Relationships grow, and we marry our love. Life settles in and the real life pressures begin to come back into our focus. We had been so busy with dating, and then wedding plans, that we weren't very focused on what else is going on around us. Work demands our focus. Responsibility piles up with owning a home, and paying bills. The grass keeps growing and it keeps needing cut. School loans mature. Pets that seemed cute to start our lives together with, have health issues, and require a lot more commitment and time than we anticipated. Sweet babies enter the scene, and our time alone together vanishes. Wife is busy with the kids, and husband is busy with his career. Tensions begin to escalate as we enter the full phase of family life. 
     It's interesting how different men and women are at our base level. Men are generally career and goal oriented, while women are more nurturing and loving by nature. How can two polar opposites function perfectly together? The truth is, they can't, and that is okay. God created us differently to compliment one another. But as we go along in life, we begin to see these differences as big problems that we are sure, others don't have. And we begin to doubt. 
     And one day, a very foolish thing comes across our minds- I don't love my spouse anymore. Some people process this in a more healthy way, and realize that we all feel "out of love" with our spouse from time to time. Others assume this is the end of a marriage, and call it quits. In our case, it led to an affair. Marriage kind of love is a choice- and not built on romantic love. There will be days I don't feel hopelessly in love with my spouse, and what I do with that is vital to a healthy marriage. While we need to put effort into maintaining our romantic love, we also need to remember our vow to love our spouse- regardless of my feelings and conditions.
     Love is from God- and He is the essence of love. He is the only One that will perfectly love us at all times. Sadly, we won't return the favor, because we are selfish in nature. Our marriages are to be patterned after Christ's love for us- without condition. If we truly love one another like He loves, we will be wise enough to stay in the fight for our marriages. I remember the promises I made to my husband almost 26 years ago, and I know this- love is a choice, and I choose to love him, even on the hardest of days, because this is the love God has shown to me.

With humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, Ephesians 4:2 ESV
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12 ESV
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me remember that love is a choice. I won't always feel romantic love for my spouse, but I will choose to love anyways. I thank You for the pattern of love You have shown us- a love full of grace and compassion. Your love has nothing to do with merit, and everything to do with choice. And so I will also choose to love Your way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!