Making Amends

     When a relationship has been wounded, making amends is imperative in restoring it again. When it comes to infidelity, many more people are hurt than just the betrayed spouse. There are kids, family members and friends to consider. Making amends is humbling, and sometimes very difficult to do. And in the case of my husband, he put in the work and effort to do his part in this, without any prompting from me! This went a long way to prove that he was serious about putting our problems behind us, and working toward rebuilding what we had lost.
     Our family members and friends could immediately see the difference in his sincerity. Again, being broken stripped away the pride that held him back prior to God's work in his heart. He reached out in person, in email and in text. I cannot tell how you much this meant to me, personally. We shared so many close, personal relationships with so many, and making things right was so important to clear the air and start fresh.
     The flip side was all about grace. People could choose to hold it against him, but as Christians, God only gives us the choice He chose to offer us- grace upon grace! No matter what has been done against us, even without an apology (that's tough, I know!), God says we are to offer grace. And in light of our own sin against God, no deed done against us is too big for us to forgive. If you are struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you, look to the example of Jesus for your answer. While we are fallible as humans, we are to strive for the example God left for us through His Son, Jesus Christ. Hold out your hand to the one who has hurt you. Send a text of apology for withholding grace. Give a hug to the person who has wronged you. And even if they don't offer the apology and love you want, God will honor you for your heartfelt attempt at making things right.
     And so bridges are being made and rebuilt in our family and friend relationships. The awkwardness is melting away. I am happy to say that those who loved him before, love him still. Our family is slowly returning to a place of love, peace and acceptance. It takes time to rebuild, but the process is so worthwhile. To see our loved ones building bridges warms my heart and soul. This is the way of Jesus- our own precious Bridge to the Father. Is there someone you can take the first step toward, someone who needs the bridge rebuilt? Let go of past hurts and struggles, and step out in faith, knowing God Himself is rooting for you! That, in itself, is worth taking the first step for! 

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for relationships, and how special they are to us. And yet when we are hurt by them, we often refuse to show grace. We know You are a God of grace and our behavior should mimic Yours. Help us, even when it's hard, to let go of pride and extend our hands to the ones who hurt us. When we do this, we not only build a bridge, but we also bring You joy. We thank You for being our own Bridge to God the Father, and for the the cost involved in offering Yourself in that way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

How I Felt About Him When We Were Apart

     My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.

     When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn't know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.

     I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn't like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn't that I didn't have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn't do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.

     We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor - a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn't always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn't matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it's hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen! 

Intimacy after Infidelity

     This is a hard topic to write about, and I would love to skirt around the issue, but it's a pretty big part of the story. Not to mention, my parents read my blog ("Hi Mom and Dad" ;) and yet, I feel called to tastefully bring up this subject. For some, you may have experienced infidelity in your marriage, and were never intimate again with the spouse who betrayed you. For others, like me, you have experienced intimacy with your spouse, after a sexual affair. 
     For all of my almost 25 years of marriage to my husband, there was never anyone else to compare myself to, when it came to sex. We married as virgins and figured out the whole mystery of sex together. It was beautiful and pure and I never had to wonder how I measured up. He had the same luxury, knowing that I only knew him, and there was no judgment or comparison in the bedroom. This is the way God designed sex- as a way of demonstrating love between a man and wife within the union of marriage. Our world has a really messed up view of sex- very different than what God created it for, and Satan has used sex to lure plenty of married men or women away from their spouse. 
     Friends, if you and your spouse have only had sex with each other, thank them today for their gift of faithfulness. This gift is so precious and not to be taken for granted. I confess that I never anticipated an affair in our marriage, and felt secure in remaining untouched by sexual betrayal. Because it has touched our marriage, I now wonder things I had never wondered about before. It's natural to wonder how I measure up or where I fell short. It's hard to think of what was exclusively mine, being shared with an outsider. It's painful to have images or scenarios in our brains that may or may not be real. It was far simpler before these issues and heartaches became a part of our marriage, and yet they are. 
     So, how do we deal with them? Other than counseling (which I strongly suggest), how do you gain confidence in intimacy after betrayal? Can you gain confidence? In my story, it was initially hard to do, but with God's guiding, and open communication, healing comes. And while I will save most of that for another day, the bottom line for today is this: God never intends for our marriages to face infidelity, and it is outside of His plan for us. But He will use sexual betrayal to teach us more about His faithfulness, when we experience unfaithfulness by others. And just as He makes us new creations in Christ, He can also mend a broken marriage. It will take time, patience, effort and consistency. But there is no problem too big for Him- in all things, and in all ways, He is able. My hope is, was, and will be in Jesus Christ! I choose to listen to what He says about me, than what Satan whispers in my ear. I refuse to play the comparison game. I am who God chose for my husband, and so I am not only the best woman for him, but the only woman. God help us to remain faithful all the rest of our days- and thank You God for making broken things, wonderfully beautiful again!

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV
"You shall not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 ESV
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of sex; it's a beautiful gift, and yet so often abused and used in the wrong way. Protect our marriages from sexual betrayal, and when we are sexually betrayed, may we come to You for healing and hope. Help us not to be held captive by feelings of inadequacy or rejection, but to remember what You say about us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

Different

     I am one that finds change unsettling. I like familiar. I don't find bumps in the road exciting, most of the time. I like my routines- not that I don't like vacations from routine, but there is comfort in doing the same things. Familiar feels safe and soothing, while unexpected jolts can be frightening and worrisome. 
     While I know there are never guarantees for tomorrow, I still have dreams of my future. I think it's normal and healthy to prepare for what is ahead, and when I see myself years down the road, I had a vision. I saw my husband and I celebrating the weddings of our children, hand in hand. I could see grandbabies, and the joy they would bring us. I envisioned trips to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and all the spoiling we would do, together. I saw bucket list trips we would enjoy in our later years, when the kids were gone, and it was quieter around here. I saw years of caring for one another, and serving our Lord together. But I never imagined this wouldn't be so- by choice.
     I understand that my future vision could change from an accident or illness. But what I didn't see, was that it could be altered from a failure to commit. I never looked into my golden years, seeing all of this unfold as separate entities- my life, and his life. And yet, when an affair presented itself, I was no longer certain of what could be. I envisioned all of those future events with tension. How would we act towards one another? How would we learn to have a new relationship, outside of marriage? These were not things I enjoyed thinking of, and prayed that somehow, God will enable me to have the strength to live whatever He had for me, faithfully. 
     Life often presents us with "different", doesn't it? We are going along our merry way, and BAM- we get hit with unexpected twists and turns we weren't anticipating. Some changes are good, and exciting, and others bring us heartache and pain. I find such comfort in the faithfulness of God. He is with me today, and whatever tomorrow presents, He will be there as well. While we can't know exactly what our future holds, we can know He will meet us there. Life isn't predictable. But I am ever grateful for a God who is unchanging! So as I look ahead at my future, I can release the tension I feel at the unknown, and trust that He will lovingly care for all that is ahead for me!

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Psalm 36:5 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, while I can feel afraid at times, at what lies ahead, help me to remember that You will meet me there. I never have to fear that You will leave me, or let me down. No matter what comes my way, You are faithfully with me- loving, guarding, guiding and protecting. Thank You for your faithfulness to me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Home in Body

     One of my favorite times of the day, was when my husband walked in from work, and everyone was home. Our day time separation was over, and my heart just felt lighter when he was with me. When he left, there was a huge hole in my life- no one to come in the door at the end of the day, and share my evening with. Yes, I had my kids, but it's a different connection with a spouse. I missed him, and I missed the way things had been years before. 
     When we had our initial reconciliation, I felt excited. Someone would come home to me again, and someone would share life by my side. I would get a phone call around 5:00, and have a dinner companion by 6:00. Things felt good, but we weren't where I really wanted to be. We reconciled because it was the "right thing to do," and sometimes, that just isn't enough. What was missing was a firm foundation in Christ, and allowing Him to make us new. 
     And so we made a go of it, on our terms. He felt better by doing what was right, and I felt hopeful that in time, God would reach his heart. I prayed God would use me to draw him closer to Jesus, and made an initial effort in making this work. But as the days passed, it was obvious that without Him at the center of our marriage, it would not be the better marriage we had hoped for. And after only a short 6 weeks time, I already noticed a shift in his devotion to me.
     I knew it was happening again. The signs were all there. His phone became unavailable to my sight, and he withdrew. I would see him texting someone in a way where he would hide his phone from view, or he would lean back to text. His phone calls to me became short, so he had the rest of the commute home to talk to the one he really desired. He stopped texting me throughout his work day, and when I sent him messages, I would get one word answers. He avoided being home, and worked as much as possible to stay away from me. He became sarcastic and uncaring. And I realized that while I had my husband home in body, his spirit was elsewhere.
     Have you felt this? Living together, but worlds apart? Goodness, it stinks! And in those times, it is much more comfortable to not have them home, than to have them home against their wishes. I felt like a burden. I felt twice rejected, and unwanted. I felt resigned to a life without him, and was beginning to think that was our destiny. I chastised myself for allowing him to come back home as a man I wasn't satisfied with- a man living apart from God. I had never walked this journey, and felt having him home was better than having him somewhere else. But if God isn't at the center of it, it isn't time. What a painful lesson that was to learn.
     My story made me think of God. While He always knows my motives for returning to Him, He never turns me away. If I run, He pursues. I often return with a heart lacking enthusiasm, and yet He welcomes me, regardless of my heart. But He won't stop with me there- He will continue with me, until He not only captures my attention, but captures my heart. Oh God, forgive me for my wayward heart; a heart that has hurt You with my selfishness. Give me a heart devoted to Your ways, and Your Son! Help me to see myself through my husband's rejection, and return to You with abandon. Help me to serve You, not out of duty, but out of heart spilling over with love. And when I do, I will see my husband with Your eyes- lost, and in need of Your pursuit. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV
This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. Acts 4:11 ESV
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to keep You at the center of my marriage, and all relationships. When anything else is substituted, I fail and struggle. Help me to see my own condition before You, when I see my wayward spouse. May my heart be turned to You, not by obligation, but by absolute devotion. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Holding on to Hope

     Have you ever hoped to win a million dollars? I’ve actually wasted time imagining what I would do with it. Just in case you wondered, I would pay off our house, our cars, and college for the kids. I would probably take an exciting family vacation. And of course, give some to something worth-while. This is me hoping in the impossible. But when it comes to real life possibilities, there is always hope.

     It’s easier to hope for the little things- a sunny day after too many rainy days, a cup of coffee after a restless night of sleep, or a shower after a workout. But for the bigger things- a good job, buying a new house, or considering a move across the country, we can feel a little stressed and unsure. Our hope can waver when it doesn’t seem there’s a sure answer in the near future.

     But then we hit a storm in life, and it’s tough to have hope. I know, because it was something I had to constantly remind myself of- hope in all situations. In fact, I put a reminder on my lock screen on my phone that says: I wait for the LORD, my soul waits. And in His Word I hope. Psalm 130:5. There is a story behind that...

     It had been a particularly hard day. One where we had made progress in our relationship, and then I found out he went back to her. I was DEVASTATED. I spent a tear-filled night in bed, begging for something to hold on to that would give me the hope I longed to keep. I could feel the Spirit with me, but I had no answers. Then, in the morning, the verse of the day arrived on my phone- it was Psalm 130:5 (the verse above). Wow! God speaks, He really does. Hold on to hope, my friend. God really is able, and can do what seems impossible. Just when we think there is no way possible, He opens a way. It may not be the way we thought it would be, but if He is in control, we can rest in knowing it's the very best way for us. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience Romans 8:25 ESV

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 ESV

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Psalm 71:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me not to lose hope. You are the God of hope, and all things are possible with You. On the dark days, and in the sleepless nights, help me to remember Your power and might. You made the heavens and the earth. You designed the human body- so complex, and so orderly. You conquer our enemies, and You are always able. Thank You, Lord for being the source of my hope. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

ps- I almost posted this yesterday. And guess what the verse of the day was yesterday? Psalm 130:5;)

My Husband

     If a guy can like you at your skinny-legged, buck-tooth stage of life, he is probably into you. I met my husband when our family moved to NC from Canada. His family attended the same church, and my brother became fast friends with him. He spent many days hanging out in our home, and I thought of him as a brother in many ways. But for him- he did not think of me as a sister. From the tender age of 11, I knew he had a crush on me.
    We grew up with our lives intertwined through church and family connections. Through the years, I would receive little gifts from this boy who had become my brother's best friend. I vividly remember receiving a stick-pin (anyone remember those? hey.. they are making a comeback!) and a brown stuffed dog, I named Ralph. From a young age, he had a giving heart and persistence. But in my advanced age of one and a half years older than him, I always considered him too young for me. 
     Along came college, and I was off to UNC-Charlotte, while he attended Lenoir Rhyne with a football scholarship. At this point, we were friends and occasionally talked to one another on the phone. Not a cellphone- one with the long cord on the wall that got stretched out from my pacing habit. He ended up in trouble and this event actually led to a date, and a few years later, a wedding ring. I was most attracted to his confidence, interest in spiritual things, and fun nature. He was known for his integrity and strong work ethic. He could always be counted on when someone needed help- that is just who he is, and was. He has beautiful blue eyes, and an electric smile. This was a good man, and I was blessed to have him.
     It isn't just "bad people" that fall for Satan's traps. The fact is, it is usually people that are prominent, and useful. Throughout my journey of being the betrayed spouse, I have heard comments about his character from people that don't really know him. Those hurt, because I knew his actions were not his true character, but rather manipulated by Satan for his ultimate ruin. It is hard to see someone you love and respect, make such a drastic transition. I firmly believe the ability to fall is within each one of us who belong to the Lord and we must protect ourselves with the armor of God. While I was hurt by his actions, I was protective of him because of who he was- a man that had lost his way. 
     If you have been betrayed by your spouse, I want to encourage you to do something really hard- feel compassion for them. To live in the absence of grace is against the character of godliness. To see my husband in this state of sin and rebellion was the worst thing I have witnessed. It wounded my heart, not just for me and our children, but for him. Showing compassion and grace doesn't guarantee the outcome of your marriage, but it is an opportunity to love like Jesus loves. There were days this felt impossible for me, apart from the help of my Heavenly Father. Not every situation will lead to a restored marriage, but when we love others like God loves us, we will never walk away defeated. 

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for the gift of grace and compassion that You liberally bestow on me every single day. Help me to not just accept it from You, then refuse to show it to others. It's hard some days to pass it on to those who hurt and betray us, yet we have done the same to You. Help me to pray for my husband and show compassion, even on days when it's hard. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!  


*** You can also visit my blog at theselightafflictions.com or roomcdonald.com

Relinquishing Control in our Marriage Messes

     I don't like gray. I'm not talking colors, I'm talking about things that fall outside the lines. I am more of a black and white girl, and prefer safety nets. I don't like vague or the unknown. These things make my head spin and fill me with anxiety. If I'm honest, I don't like giving control over to anyone else, in case they mess things up. And when my marriage crumbled, I wanted to figure out a way I could fix it- fast! 
     Maybe if I said just the right thing at the right time, I could turn this shipwreck around. If I dressed differently, maybe he would return my affection, and ultimately return home. I came up with quite a few game plans, and watched every one of them go up in smoke. I begged and pleaded with God to fix things. I knew He was able, but He chose not to immediately release me from this fiery trial. I remember the countless times that I lay crumbled on the floor, tearfully pleading with my Heavenly Father to have mercy and restore my husband and my marriage. There was no doubt in my mind of His ability to swiftly answer me in the positive, yet He remained silent on the matter.
     Friends, when God is silent, He is STILL working. If God had answered me right away, and brought my husband home, I would not know Him the way I do today. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with worry. Worry says I am not trusting God, and that stings when I hear it plainly stated. All of my suggestions to Him on what He could try next, are actually insulting to Who He is. How could I think I knew better than God? I'm ashamed, looking back, at some of my thought patterns which perfectly displayed my distrust in the Lord. 
     Infidelity is so traumatic, that we often don't think clearly. If I can't trust my husband anymore, can I trust God? I knew in my head that God was trustworthy, but my heart was just not getting it. The truth is, God cares for my marriage more than I ever possibly could, but He also cares about me individually. Just as we want our children to trust us, especially with the big things in life, God is no different with us. By choosing to make me wait, He exercised my faith in Who He is. When I tried to maintain the control I never really had, I became anxious. But when I relinquished control and let God fight my battles, I felt peace.  
     If your marriage is a mess, I get it, it's stressful. If you're struggling with trying to control the outcome, I know of One Who is able to handle it for you. Honestly, the problem is just too big for us, but it isn't too big for our God. When we allow Him to step in and take control, we can have faith that the best possible outcome will happen- and only He knows what that is. Letting the fate of my marriage rest in the hands of the Almighty was the only path to the peace I longed for. He knows what we need, and when to move. Stop fighting for control, sweet friend, and lay your burden at His feet. Rest in knowing that this all powerful God can handle it, and we simply can't! 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Proverbs 19:21 ESV
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9 ESV
Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases. Psalm 115:3 ESV
But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your absolute ability to handle my problems. Forgive me for trying to control my marriage, and its outcome. Help me to remember that I will only feel peace when I leave it in Your capable hands, and that anxiety will attack me when I try to do it on my own. Thank You for caring not only for my marriage, but for me. I love You for being invested in every aspect of my life, and will always be grateful that You chose me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!