The Gift of My Son

 Our house is full of wedding plans. This is a first for us, and it's baffling how much planning is packed into saying "I Do"! But it's mostly fun stuff and we are happy to do what it takes to give our only son a proper sendoff into his own life with his own wife. But some days it touches my heart how this little boy, grown into a man seldom leans on me these days. Yes, that's the way it's supposed to be, but I treasure memories of the little boy who never wanted to grow up so he could stay with me forever. And I'm so, so incredibly grateful for the years I've had him home with me—those are years I will forever treasure in my heart.

It all started close to twenty-five years ago. The effort and tears and prayers and love all poured into him in hopes of giving him the very best foundation to start his own family. Sure I've made mistakes along the way, but never did my heart stray from only wishing him the best and wanting a great future for him. And so the effort of raising a good man was never wasted, and while no one is perfect I'm awfully proud of my son. 

Now the purpose of this post isn't to make you roll your eyes or gag at the mushiness, but rather to show how our children are a gift—not only to us but to their future spouse. If I allow laziness, disrespect and unkindness to be overlooked and shrug my shoulders at it, I do a disservice to their future spouse. Greed, grudge holding and no spiritual foundation will not make him the man I want for his wife. And so we have a huge responsibility as parents to make humans that will be respectful, helpful and tender spouses. 

The days are counting down until the day I will watch him take his girl as his wife. In that moment I'll nearly bust with pride and emotion, but I'll also give one of the greatest gifts I have to give—the gift of my son. I hope that in him I've instilled a sense of being the best husband he can be and in time, Lord willing, the best dad he can be. Those character traits have hopefully been formed in him, even as most came at the surrender of worn knees and heavenly pleas. He is one of my most valuable treasures and when I stop to think of this, I'm taken to Calvary.

God sent His only precious, highly treasured Son to a cruel cross to die in my place. Not because I'm a "good" person because I surely am not, but because of my great sin that separated me from a holy God. His Son was everything perfect and everything holy yet He gave Him willingly out of a love for us greater than our understanding. He gave me the gift of His Son. It was the single-most selfless sacrifice and one that provided everything I could ever need to secure my eternal pardon. He didn't make mistakes along the way and offer the best He could manage—He offered a perfect Son for a sinful creation. So while I offer my own son, filled with humanity's sinful imperfections, He offered the only perfect Son for me—for you!

When the day comes for me to celebrate the giving of my son to his beautiful bride, I hope I can take a few moments that day to reflect on God's Son being given to me. Giving something of great value has a high cost. In God's case, no higher cost could have been paid—He gave us the very best. And while my own son is no match to the cost paid through Jesus on the cross, he is my only boy–the son of my own heart. I'm not a person of great wealth or prestige—my children far excel over any earthly goods I could offer. As my heart thinks on these things, may it be touched with the price He paid for me through His own Son, Jesus. Thank You, Lord for your indescribable gift—my heart is humbled anew at Your great love for me. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward (Psalm 127:3, ESV).

And behold, a voice from heaven said, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased (Matthew 3:17, ESV)."

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father we thank You for the gift of Your Son, given up to the cross in order to rescue us from sin. Your love exceeds our understanding and our hearts are warmed by You. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Against Any Odds

     Reading through the statistics of marriages that face infidelity is staggering. Even in Christian marriages, the numbers aren't encouraging. It's so easy to feel protected from the possibility, yet it's also very naive. According to multiple surveys, a little over half of married couples will experience an affair. Many never come to light, sadly, and stay hidden as skeletons in the closet. And while we may be able to hide our skeletons from others, we know we can't hide them from God. Did I ever see it coming in my own marriage? I absolutely didn't, and the best piece of advice I can give to each of you is this- guard your hearts, keep communication open and active, and invest in one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
     Once a marriage has experienced an affair, what are the chances of restoration and recovery? I was pleasantly surprised to read that 70% of couples that admit to infidelity will stay together! While even a larger number would be better, 70% was better than what I expected. Some are adamant they would never be able to forgive an affair, and would divorce if it happened in their own marriage. I was sure of those feelings myself, but God had other plans for me. 
     I think it's much more important to focus on your new commitment, than to allow statistics to cause fear or discouragement. Sure, the path ahead is a little daunting initially, but staying the course with a renewed sense of purpose, allowing God to create something better is certainly where we are happy to be. For us, we are absolutely certain that God had to be in it on both sides in order for it to work. Once we re-established that foundation, we had something we could build on. Another component I believe to be important is to learn that forgiveness means letting go of what happened. It doesn't mean that we don't learn lessons from it, and it doesn't mean that we don't have scars that can at times feel sore- but it does mean that we are able to truly feel forgiveness regarding the betrayal. 
     So how do we find ourselves in that 70%, and not the 30% that walk away? While I am sure each couple has their own stories of how they found victory over sexual betrayal, I think it starts with a willingness to face what's happened together, and seek help to heal with a genuine sense of commitment to restoration. Having a mutual openness to godly counsel was crucial in our marriage and continues to reap tremendous benefits. If you're in the stage of recovery, both my husband and I, would strongly encourage christian counseling along with marriage-based shared devotions and daily prayer. Once we were on the same page, with the leading and guiding of our Heavenly Father, we refused to accept anything less than God's best for us as a couple- and we knew that meant staying together. Yes, we are still a work in progress, but God is making our story so beautiful, and He isn't even finished with us yet! Don't stop praying for us, and we won't stop praying for those we are touching with our own story. And my prayer is this- "God, help those in the 70% to heal and recover and flourish in their renewed love. But God, please help heal the broken hearts of the 30%, and the loved ones that continue to hurt inside the brokenness of infidelity. And Father, allow us to help others experiencing the deep pain associated with an affair- may You use us in ways that continue to blow us away. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!"

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Settling In

     There has been a lot of activity and hype surrounding our world for the past couple months. Good things, new things, and things that kept us busy and focused on plans we made together. We had my husband's amazing deliverance. We began spending time together again and dating. We planned his return home and our vow renewal celebration. We went on a cruise to celebrate our new beginning. We started counseling together. I have my very first book in editing with a publisher and expected release later this year. And now- life resumes to a new normal, and what's that like?
     Well, I can tell you it isn't less busy. Life demands are still what they were- business busyness, commitments, writing, housework, church responsibility, family needs, and the list goes on. With a lot of the big stuff behind us, we now settle into this new season together- recommitted, and a little less crazy. Yes, life keeps us busy, but we don't want to lose the insight we gained from the past year and a half. I think one of the biggest lessons learned is learning to appreciate today. We've learned to see each step forward as a gift, one we don't take for granted. We try not to focus too much on yesterday, because the past can't be rewritten. And honestly, the past made for a better present, which is the best way I know to look at it.
     We have goals. Goals to keep the lines of communication open. Goals to stay spiritually grounded. Goals to make each other a priority and spend time together each week as a couple. We want to explore life together- travel, study, build our businesses, learn more about one another. We want to build up our family and treasure these last years with kids home as well as look ahead at building our life around our empty nesting selves. We want to share our story with the world through our website, blogging and my book release this fall. We hope to help others that are hurting and in need of an understanding ear. And we want to share the best gift we have with those we encounter- our Faithful, Wonderful Heavenly Father. 
     The road to marriage recovery isn't short, and we know there will be obstacles ahead. Some days will be much easier than other days, but with a commitment to stick it out, talk it out, and serve one another, we believe in "us". Our foundation must be Jesus- the Author of grace, forgiveness and love. Please continue to pray for us as we press ahead, knowing our God is going to carry us through the good and the bad. And as we have each day since January 5th, we thank Him for His redemption of our marriage. Friends- never doubt the goodness of our God, for we can say with assurance, "God is good and His mercy endures forever!"

So that they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12 ESV
And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. Job 42:10 ESV
"For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Job 14:7 ESV
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for being a Redeemer. You redeem lost souls, yes- but You also redeem marriages in ruin from sin. We look to You to guide us in all that is ahead, trusting You to lead us to Your good and perfect plan for us. In Jesus' precious name, Amen!






     

Would I Take him Back?

     What were the things that initially drew you to your spouse? For me, it was his confidence, fun personality, beautiful blue eyes, interest in spiritual things, and a persistence in pursuing me. I never thought he would be who I would marry, because for years, he was just my younger brother's best friend. I knew he liked me, but it wasn't until college that I discovered I liked him back.
     We spent many happy years together, as a married couple. I loved how he made me feel secure, protected, and loved. I enjoyed spending time with him. We traveled, had dinner dates, and enjoyed sexual intimacy. We raised kids, worked to build a family and home, and poured ourselves into our church. This man was my person, and I loved him! I never imagined things would change the way they did. I took for granted our marriage, and our commitment to it.
     An affair changes things. It takes a solid foundation, and puts a huge crack in it. Where do we go from here? A new possibility entered- a future apart from one another. Would there be a chance for us to work things out? Was it possible for us to restore our marriage? Did we want to? These were tough questions that I wrestled with daily. 
     Apart from grace that only God can give, the answer would have been no. Apart from forgiveness patterned after Jesus, and how He forgives, it would be impossible. Apart from a willingness on his side to surrender himself to God and His will, it wouldn't happen. But the bottom line is- I remembered what was. I remembered his role in my life, and how important it was. I remembered my vows- and what they meant. I remembered how God sees marriage. And I remembered our love, before things fell apart.
     Not everyone can open themselves up to restoring a marriage, but I do believe if given the opportunity, and with God guiding, it is what was right for me. I didn't want him back for the security of finances; I didn't want him back for what he had to offer me. I simply was willing to take him back because I loved him still, and wanted to honor my Heavenly Father by loving like He does- without limits. Would my husband give me that chance? Well, I will share that with you another day;) 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV
Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Isaiah 43:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we all are so thankful for the many opportunities You give us after we disappoint You with sin. I thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, offered so generously towards me. Lord, help me to offer it to those I love when I have been wronged. Help me to have Your strength to do what I cannot, on my own. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Home in Body

     One of my favorite times of the day, was when my husband walked in from work, and everyone was home. Our day time separation was over, and my heart just felt lighter when he was with me. When he left, there was a huge hole in my life- no one to come in the door at the end of the day, and share my evening with. Yes, I had my kids, but it's a different connection with a spouse. I missed him, and I missed the way things had been years before. 
     When we had our initial reconciliation, I felt excited. Someone would come home to me again, and someone would share life by my side. I would get a phone call around 5:00, and have a dinner companion by 6:00. Things felt good, but we weren't where I really wanted to be. We reconciled because it was the "right thing to do," and sometimes, that just isn't enough. What was missing was a firm foundation in Christ, and allowing Him to make us new. 
     And so we made a go of it, on our terms. He felt better by doing what was right, and I felt hopeful that in time, God would reach his heart. I prayed God would use me to draw him closer to Jesus, and made an initial effort in making this work. But as the days passed, it was obvious that without Him at the center of our marriage, it would not be the better marriage we had hoped for. And after only a short 6 weeks time, I already noticed a shift in his devotion to me.
     I knew it was happening again. The signs were all there. His phone became unavailable to my sight, and he withdrew. I would see him texting someone in a way where he would hide his phone from view, or he would lean back to text. His phone calls to me became short, so he had the rest of the commute home to talk to the one he really desired. He stopped texting me throughout his work day, and when I sent him messages, I would get one word answers. He avoided being home, and worked as much as possible to stay away from me. He became sarcastic and uncaring. And I realized that while I had my husband home in body, his spirit was elsewhere.
     Have you felt this? Living together, but worlds apart? Goodness, it stinks! And in those times, it is much more comfortable to not have them home, than to have them home against their wishes. I felt like a burden. I felt twice rejected, and unwanted. I felt resigned to a life without him, and was beginning to think that was our destiny. I chastised myself for allowing him to come back home as a man I wasn't satisfied with- a man living apart from God. I had never walked this journey, and felt having him home was better than having him somewhere else. But if God isn't at the center of it, it isn't time. What a painful lesson that was to learn.
     My story made me think of God. While He always knows my motives for returning to Him, He never turns me away. If I run, He pursues. I often return with a heart lacking enthusiasm, and yet He welcomes me, regardless of my heart. But He won't stop with me there- He will continue with me, until He not only captures my attention, but captures my heart. Oh God, forgive me for my wayward heart; a heart that has hurt You with my selfishness. Give me a heart devoted to Your ways, and Your Son! Help me to see myself through my husband's rejection, and return to You with abandon. Help me to serve You, not out of duty, but out of heart spilling over with love. And when I do, I will see my husband with Your eyes- lost, and in need of Your pursuit. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV
This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. Acts 4:11 ESV
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to keep You at the center of my marriage, and all relationships. When anything else is substituted, I fail and struggle. Help me to see my own condition before You, when I see my wayward spouse. May my heart be turned to You, not by obligation, but by absolute devotion. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!