Perhaps one of my favorite required novels to study in high school, was the infamous Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. The tale is sordid and a real page turner- drawing in the reader for more. I fell in love with Hester Prynne, even as the fictional community in which she lived, destained her. After the assumed death of her husband, and a moment of vulnerability, she had an affair with Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, resulting in her pregnancy, and birth of their daughter, Pearl. At this time in history, it was extremely uncommon for someone to have a child out of wedlock, and so her shame was a real, tangible thing.
The basis of this novel is that Hester protects the Reverend from being exposed, and bears the sole public shame of her condition. As a result, she is forced to wear a scarlet "A" on her clothing, revealing her identity as an adulterer. Reverend Dimmesdale goes on with his life- free from the public humility of what he had done. He isn't exposed. He doesn't carry the burden. Hester does. I remember thinking, as a young teenager of how unfair this was- and it truly was unfair. This is a sin of two- not one, yet she paid the price alone.
I don't think any of us are walking around with physical letters emblazoned on our chests, spilling the details of our sinful history. For this, I thank God! For if this were required, none of us would be without our own various letter jackets, full of multiple offenses. And yet, we often carry the burden of our past within our very souls. We refuse to release ourselves from the identity of our crimes, even though as Christians, God has erased them. And I think if we look a little deeper, we will see that we carry these burdens, because we often, in like manner, assign past offenses to others.
Let's think a minute about some people that will give you further insight to what I mean : Michael Vick. Monica Lewinsky. Anthony Weiner. Tonya Harding. Paula Deen. Lindsay Lohan. Tiger Woods. Chris Brown. Lance Armstrong. Charlie Sheen. Now this is a short list, but if your mind went to doping, dog fighting, prejudice, sex scandals or violence, you understand the correlation between how we think of others- often, by the very thing they did wrong. These people may not wear badges displaying their dishonor, but we assign them anyway. Honestly, when I think of how I'm guilty of this, I'm ashamed.
What unwelcome sins do you carry around from your own past? Do they negatively impact your identity? Do you believe them louder than what God says about you? We have this ugly part of our human tendency to hold onto our shame- and to remember the shame of others. This is not a habit easily tossed aside, and will take consistent effort to abolish from our mindset. The blood of Jesus has freed us from our sins- it washes us whiter than snow! Can I encourage you, dear sister or brother, to refuse to carry around the sins that Jesus already forgave? And can I also encourage you to release others from carrying their past burdens?
I love how Christ Jesus has given us new life, and a new identity. Even sins we have committed as His children- they are covered by His blood! You are an heir to His heavenly kingdom. We are His sons and daughters. He has released us from the chains and bondage of sin- we are to live as free! Friends- let's eradicate the letters we choose to carry, and embrace His wonderful gift of grace. And let's not stop there- let's shower that same grace on others, refusing to see them as anything less than forgiven. We have kingdom work to do, and we can best do it when we believe we are who God says we are- forgiven!
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14 (ESV)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, we are so grateful for your gracious gift of forgiveness. You are so loving and kind, and we thank You for Your grace. And yet, Father, we often hold onto our sin- assigning it to our identity. Help us to abandon this unhealthy spiritual habit, and to fully embrace our identity as Your children- free and forgiven! In Your name, we pray, Amen!
I don't have many relics saved from my childhood. I'm not a hoarder of things, and often like to purge and clean out my drawers and cabinets. In the span of fifty years, plenty has been thrown away- but not my Winnie-the-Pooh. I'll never forget a childhood trip to Disney World. In the eyes of a little girl, is there any place more magical? We rode rides, ate lots of food, waited in lines, and watched parades. And while it wasn't as commercialized then as it is today, it still held a pretty big thrill in the heart of my little girl world. I took away memories that would follow me through life, but I also took away a little Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal as a souvenir to remember my trip.
It was a typical hot Florida day and on the way home from the park we stopped for dinner. As much as I wished to take Pooh inside with me, my parents told me he had to stay in our van. And so I tucked him in the floorboard of the van, and headed in for dinner. When I came back to the van later, I scooped him up, only to see that one of my blue crayons had melted all over his leg and lower body. My eyes filled with tears, and there was no way I could return him to a pre-blue state. He was stained forever.
Maybe it's the fact that I always seem to root for the underdog. Maybe it's the fact that my heart hurts for the hurting. Maybe it's because I feel sadness for the outcast. Or maybe, I loved that Pooh extra, because I saw myself in him. I connected with him, because I often felt unpopular and insecure, as a small child. No stuffed animal ever rivaled the love I had for that blue-stained bear. His flaws made him more special to me. He was always placed closest to me in bed, and always came along for adventures. In him, I could see the broken loved and accepted. That blue stain didn't disqualify him from my love- it made me love him more.
Maybe that Pooh was preparing me for loving broken people, I'm not really sure. But maybe he also showed me a little picture of how God loves us. Stained. Broken. Messy. Different. Yet all of those things are the very reason we desperately need Jesus. Because in the heart of every human being is the intense craving to feel wanted, accepted and loved. People can only fulfill that craving to a degree, but only God can fill it perfectly. I'm just like that blue-stained Pooh, looking for love and acceptance, and only through the blood of Jesus do my stains wash away. And only through the cross can I be made clean again. Through His great gift of salvation, I can be accepted into God's family- secure in His love, and free from the sin that once stained me.
What blue stains do you carry around? Is it abuse? Betrayal? Are you dirty with sexual sin? Do you carry around guilt from your past? Whatever your "blue" is, it doesn't have to stay with you. You can be free. Not only unbelievers are carrying around stains- we often do, too. One of the most beautiful things in life is to see the broken made whole through the blood of Jesus. I'll forever be grateful for His love that removed my sin stains, and gave me exactly what I needed - His perfect love. If there's something you carry around with you still- something that eats at your soul, take it to the Cross. Jesus has great compassion for the hurting and the broken. And like I loved that crazy, blue Pooh, He loves us infinitely more. My little bear was stained forever, but thank God our sins can be forever wiped clean!
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7 (ESV)
Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God. 2 Corinthians 7:1 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for washing away our stains and giving us freedom from the guilt of our sins. No one loves us like You- and in Your love, we find acceptance, joy, hope, peace and life. Thank You, Father, for loving us and for offering Your Son as a way to make us clean and whole. In Your name we pray, Amen!
Regrets- things I wish I had never done or said, yet they remain unchangeable in nature leaving me with bad memories. From lies, to friend choices, to spending habits, to perms in just the front of my hair in high school (not even kidding); the list is pretty extensive in reality. Some of these regrets are easily forgettable, and some change the course of our lives. Maybe you understand the bigger regrets in painful ways- things like unsaid apologies, a loss of time spent with a parent who has passed away, a poor example of behavior in front of your children, substance abuse, or even infidelity. These are regrets that can cause deep pain and psychological issues, yet we can't undo what we've done. When I look behind me, I see a trail of mistakes and missed opportunities, some which are painful to recall. But looking back keeps me locked in regret, rather than focusing on what's ahead with more discerning eyes and a wiser heart.
The truth is, we all have regrets. We all have those painful choices we made that hurt others and led to disappointment and heartache. We chose paths motivated by our sinful flesh rather than the leading of the Spirit. But we must choose to learn from our mistakes without allowing them to define our present. People have asked me if I would wish away the affair that assaulted our marriage, and I confess this is a difficult question. While the affair stripped away my security and trust initially, it also brought about some pretty amazing things as well- a keen awareness of God as Comforter and Friend, and a more tender husband and marriage relationship.
While we all have regrets, we need to learn to leave them behind us and not allow them to bring us down in our present. It doesn't really matter if I could make changes in the past, because I can't. What's done is done, and it simply can't be changed, so why waste time and energy thinking about it? But today- today is full of new possibilities and opportunities! I can make a difference today and make better choices with spiritual discernment. I can pray about my decisions and wait on God's leading for today and the future. I can appreciate the marriage I have today. But I can't make different choices in my yesterdays.
Regret is a thief. It will rob you of peace, joy and contentment. If we allow it to remain, it will rob our relationships. Regret has its place between sin and confession, and from there, we need to let it go. Whatever regrets you are facing today, make each one right and choose to release them. God can use our failures for good- that's part of what He does. I don't want to go through life carrying the identity of my past sin, and I'm sure you don't want to either. Release any whom you may be forcing into a lifetime sentence of regret by truly forgiving them and allowing them to move forward. And why not start with yourself? Release yourself from the burden of regret, and step into the future with determination to let go of the past. Today is a new day- live it joyfully, without regret!
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, Philippians 3:13 ESV
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Corinthians 7:10 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for the sins of my past- each one is against You. Help me to release myself from guilt and regret after forgiveness is given. None of us are perfect, Father, and I pray that I will truly allow Your blood and Your grace to cover my sins, allowing me to let them go. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen!
*** For the full story, don't miss Part One and Two, posted the last two days! And don't miss tomorrow either :)
God wasn't finished with dealing with me, thankfully. I left that restaurant and went to my sister's home, where I was staying. I slept all of about two hours that night, just wrestling with lies from Satan, and truth that God was putting right in front of me. That night was a night full of emotional torment and exhaustion.
I got out of bed on Saturday morning to do a few things, and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I determined that I would reach out to Ruth and just let her know how sorry I was, and how her blog had touched me. I have never, since I was saved, felt such a conflict in my soul. Satan was fighting hard to keep me down, but God was telling me it could all be mended.
I wanted to reach out to my wife, not only to apologize, but to tell how how shameful and real it was, to see in writing the awful pain I had caused, and how ashamed and sorrowful I felt in wrecking her life. Satan wanted me to keep believing this was all normal and okay- so many dealt with this all the time. He kept reminding me that I had ruined her, my family, my own life, and was beyond any usefulness.
I finally got the courage to text her, and to my amazement, she responded. I told her what was happening, and what had been on my heart, and her response was that she would pray, and she would have others join her in praying for me. I could feel the power of God moving that day in such a real way. I texted her back at one point and told her I felt much like the man lying in the ditch left for dead (Luke 10). She sent me back words that were like medicine for my wounds. Ruth displayed the true character of Christ. Here she was, helping the very one who had wronged her, and hurt her so deeply.
The awful thoughts of guilt and pain Satan wanted me to focus on were eventually overcome by the wonderful fact that my God has chosen not to remember the sins of the past, and he has already covered the future with the blood of His Son. I got so wrapped up in what was happening that afternoon in my heart, that I literally forgot one of the major jobs I was supposed to complete that day. If the people had known what was going on, I am sure they would understand.
I want to encourage any who may see someone in need- whether spiritually, emotionally, or physically, to step in. We have so much to offer the hurting when we can tell them of One Who loves, cares and heals. No matter how close to impossible it may seem, God is always able! There is no situation too big for Him to handle. Yes, Satan will offer alternative ways to handle our problems and they will always lead to ruin, pain, and despair. Listen closely for a Voice Who calls you to hope, to peace and to life everlasting! In Jesus alone, we find rest from our struggles, and light from the darkness of sin. And if God allows you to see someone struggling, faithfully answer the call!
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35 ESV
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 ESV
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 ESV
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12 ESV
Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:4 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I praise You for Your mercy, grace and kindness shown to us. Lord, we don't deserve Your perfect love, and yet You lavish it on us anyways. Thank You for rescuing me from the pit of despair, and placing my feet on solid ground. Help us, Lord, to rescue others we see in need and not to turn our backs on them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
In my last post, I discussed lies and betrayal. But behind the lies is a mountain of guilt. You may or may not know how this feels. I can tell you that even though it stemmed from my own choices and behavior, it feels terrible. Guilt manifested itself in many different behaviors for me, but the biggest one that stands out is withdrawal.
It's a vicious cycle, with lying. You lie, you feel guilty and withdraw. It was a behavior pattern for me that not only I could see, but my wife could as well. The lies between us caused me to withdraw from her. I was careful not to stay too close to her, or even any other family members, because I was sadly worried about receiving texts from the other woman, and upsetting them. And so I avoided my wife and my own family.
I was staying with my sister during much of the past year, and I lied to her as well. My sister is a good woman- God-fearing, and not afraid to speak her opinion. And so I lied to her about my whereabouts, and what I was up to. I didn't want her to question me, or voice her disapproval. I tried to stay out of the house most of the time I knew she would be home or awake. By doing so, I could avoid any probing questions or feeling like I needed to lie about my life and relationships.
I also withdrew from lifelong friends. This hurts me to think on as well, because they were people that sought to lead me to a better place, and I knew it. But by avoiding them, I felt I wasn't being put in a position to feel like I needed to lie to cover up the reality of my life. They would send me texts for requests to get together, and I avoided returning them most of the time. I was ducking out on the people I had cared the most about in life, because I didn't know what I wanted to do, and didn't want to hear what I knew they would tell me.
Some nights I would lie awake at night and feel so convicted of my behavior, and others I would immediately crash from the exhaustion of worrying about all of it. But God never stopped speaking to me, and He kept pursuing me. I could run from friends and family, but there is only so long He will let us run from Him. Any time we allow ourselves to withdraw from God, we are in trouble. His faithfulness to us will never allow it to be the other way around. So many times I knew He had every right to turn His back on me, and Satan tried to remind me of that lie. But it is against His character, and opposes a love for me that I don't deserve or understand.
If you are on my side of infidelity, you can likely relate to the feelings of guilt and withdrawal, and if you're on the other side, I hope it gives you a window into the ways Satan uses our sin to manipulate our thought pattern. He finds a way to use it so we feel unable to make things right, and continue in our destructive ways. I am so thankful to a God, and a woman that never stopped believing in the Spirit's ability to change me, and for faithful love towards an unfaithful man.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 ESV
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your faithful pursuit of me. No matter how much I withdrew from You or my loved ones, You never withdrew from me. In the quiet of the night, I could hear You calling out to me. In the chaos of the day, I heard Your whispers. Thank You, Lord for Your undeserved faithfulness to sinful me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
This isn't something you set out to do. If I could have stepped back, and seen the destruction and ruin from my choices, I would have run the other way with abandon. But wisdom was no longer my friend, as I had ever so slightly turned my back on God. Satan only needs a tiny opening, and he attacks with vengeance. I had always considered myself strong, but I was about to be exposed for my lack of exercising His strength in me.
It started innocently enough. I had met her two years prior in a business setting. A co-worker of mine introduced us, as they had gone to school together. She was in our corporate accounting department at our headquarters, and each month I had to email her new accounts for editing and corrections. At the beginning of the month, I would send the expected email, and never thought anything of it. One particular month, I had an issue, and needed to call regarding it. We talked for a few minutes, and I found the conversation intriguing. The reason for intrigue, was her playfulness on the other end of the phone.
I continued to send my monthly email, and found out she had been transferred to another department. I was curious as to why, as I felt she did a great job in accounting. I found out her cell number, to inquire about the transfer. I wanted to know where she planned to transfer, and the reason why. I now had a dangerous piece of information- a personal way to contact a woman who wasn't my wife.
We now had established a regular format of conversation, based on me lending advice and support. I would check in every few weeks, and eventually every week, and before I knew it- daily contact! The more contact we had, the more fun it seemed to me. It felt like an outlet from my hectic life- an escape from what I felt trapped in. Conversations would start with business related issues, and then drift into more personal things. I vividly remember talking to her while driving, and she asked me if I was married. I remember feeling guilty when I told her I was, and I remember her pause in the conversation, and then we moved on to other topics of discussion.
My heart felt guilt in these conversations and thoughts, and God convicted me throughout this time, but I pushed it aside. So often I would get a text from my wife, followed by one from her. It was if God was reminding me of what I was doing- and who my attention should be on. I thought I could handle it, but without acknowledging the Spirit within, I was vulnerable and weak- a perfect target for Satan.
This is the beginning of a story I wish I could change, but I let down my guard, and left my First Love- Christ. It's so important to keep ourselves armed with the whole armor of God. His reasons for boundaries and warning of sin, isn't to punish us and keep us from good things. The fact is- He loves us, and wants to protect us from hurt and ruin. Had I been connected in a healthy way with the Lord, I would have avoided hurting my wife, my children, and so many others. If you have been there, you understand the guilt and devastation of your choices. But this is the beginning of my story- and I serve a God of amazing grace. As you journey with me through it, I pray you will see my story with eyes of compassion, and that you would use it as an example of a heart that grows cold to Jesus. Learn from my story- the great cost of turning from God.
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. Proverbs 14:12 ESV
If we are faithless, he remains faithful- for he cannot deny himself. 2 Timothy 2:13 ESV
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10 ESV
Be sober-minded; be watchful, Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, how I wish I had listened to Your voice, and followed Your way for me. Instead, I allowed Satan to bring me down. I hurt those who love me the most, and I hurt You. Father, forgive me for the pain I have caused, and I thank You for grace I don't deserve, yet You liberally offer it to us without end. Help me to have the courage to share my journey, praying it will show others redemption found only in You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
