Comparison. The thief of self-confidence. The lurking doubt in our mind that we don't measure up. Women are notorious at playing this game, and it steals our joy and confidence. Men play it too, but they are known to give themselves a pass far sooner than we are. We are often our own worst enemy when it comes to our appearance. While we know as fact that we are created a masterpiece, in the image of God, our hearts lack the knowledge that this is actual truth.
These are the words of our enemy, and they are likely present in your mind, no matter how aesthetically pleasing your features are:
She is prettier than I am.
I don't like my ______.
I would look better if only _____.
I would be more accepted if I ______.
Trust me. I know these phrases, because I've heard them over and over again in my own spirit. They hurt, and they cause fear, doubt and uncertainty. If you've been betrayed or rejected, they are louder than they ever were in the past. We all hear them though, so what do we do about it?
It is absolutely true that God looks on the inward appearance, and finds our value there. But sadly, we live in a world that looks on the outside first, and then decides our value. It's a backward culture, but one we must learn to live in with a measure of confidence. Over-confidence is another subject altogether, and one we often link to vanity and narcissism. So what is the balance we hope to embrace, as children of God? How do we live with a sense of confidence that God made us beautiful, and accept that as truth with a humble spirit?
If I claimed to have all the answers, I would be lying- because I still wrestle with these whispered words that cause self-doubt. I look in the mirror and notice my faults much more than any other physical feature I possess. So I write this to myself- and not just to you! If you're married, it's important to make an effort to look your best, but it's also important to know they love you when you look your worst. Yet the hardest reality we face is that we often feel less attractive, due to our opinion of someone we believe to be more attractive than we are. Women often allow this to cause feelings of insecurity and jealousy, especially in the face of sexual betrayal.
If you are married or in a relationship, I want to encourage you to build up your partner. We have tremendous power to squelch the feelings of insecurity in our spouse by our words and actions. Another valuable resource we have to combat insecurity is to see what God has to say about us in His Word. God would not send His only Son to die for someone He deemed worthless. We know from scripture that God doesn't love us based on our physical appearance- in fact, He is far more interested in our heart.
Our beautiful Savior, Jesus, was described as One without majesty or beauty that we should be attracted to Him for His physical appearance (see Isaiah 53). Yet was there ever One more beautiful than our Lord? Real beauty flows from our heart- outpouring into our attitude, presence, words, and actions. And while we live here, we have a distorted view of beauty, failing to recognize the beauty that truly counts. God help us to shed our insecurities and embrace the heart of Your Spirit within us. Help us to turn our eyes from the mirror and instead, fasten them on You. May I, like You, look on the hearts of others, rather than assign worth on physical attributes. Forgive me, Lord, for often being critical of who You created me to be!
Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4 (ESV)
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, help me to remember how You see me- precious and so loved. It's so easy to get sidetracked with beauty and vanity and miss real beauty- the beauty of a heart of loving devotion to You. In Your name I pray, Lord, Amen!
In my last post, I discussed lies and betrayal. But behind the lies is a mountain of guilt. You may or may not know how this feels. I can tell you that even though it stemmed from my own choices and behavior, it feels terrible. Guilt manifested itself in many different behaviors for me, but the biggest one that stands out is withdrawal.
It's a vicious cycle, with lying. You lie, you feel guilty and withdraw. It was a behavior pattern for me that not only I could see, but my wife could as well. The lies between us caused me to withdraw from her. I was careful not to stay too close to her, or even any other family members, because I was sadly worried about receiving texts from the other woman, and upsetting them. And so I avoided my wife and my own family.
I was staying with my sister during much of the past year, and I lied to her as well. My sister is a good woman- God-fearing, and not afraid to speak her opinion. And so I lied to her about my whereabouts, and what I was up to. I didn't want her to question me, or voice her disapproval. I tried to stay out of the house most of the time I knew she would be home or awake. By doing so, I could avoid any probing questions or feeling like I needed to lie about my life and relationships.
I also withdrew from lifelong friends. This hurts me to think on as well, because they were people that sought to lead me to a better place, and I knew it. But by avoiding them, I felt I wasn't being put in a position to feel like I needed to lie to cover up the reality of my life. They would send me texts for requests to get together, and I avoided returning them most of the time. I was ducking out on the people I had cared the most about in life, because I didn't know what I wanted to do, and didn't want to hear what I knew they would tell me.
Some nights I would lie awake at night and feel so convicted of my behavior, and others I would immediately crash from the exhaustion of worrying about all of it. But God never stopped speaking to me, and He kept pursuing me. I could run from friends and family, but there is only so long He will let us run from Him. Any time we allow ourselves to withdraw from God, we are in trouble. His faithfulness to us will never allow it to be the other way around. So many times I knew He had every right to turn His back on me, and Satan tried to remind me of that lie. But it is against His character, and opposes a love for me that I don't deserve or understand.
If you are on my side of infidelity, you can likely relate to the feelings of guilt and withdrawal, and if you're on the other side, I hope it gives you a window into the ways Satan uses our sin to manipulate our thought pattern. He finds a way to use it so we feel unable to make things right, and continue in our destructive ways. I am so thankful to a God, and a woman that never stopped believing in the Spirit's ability to change me, and for faithful love towards an unfaithful man.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 ESV
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your faithful pursuit of me. No matter how much I withdrew from You or my loved ones, You never withdrew from me. In the quiet of the night, I could hear You calling out to me. In the chaos of the day, I heard Your whispers. Thank You, Lord for Your undeserved faithfulness to sinful me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
We have all seen movies, or maybe read a book about a couple found while committing adultery. Or maybe it hits closer to home- and you were the one that discovered them. Extreme emotions arise- emotions of anger and shock. We want to drag the adulterer out, and find a way for justice and even humiliation.
I can see myself, standing among the accusers. How dare this person dishonor me in this way? I'm hurt, and want revenge. Who will help me find the justice I am seeking for my betrayer? I have many who are angry with me. Every single one accompanying me wants this sinner to pay for the offense, and carries stones to throw at him. We bring the betrayer to a Man, sitting in the temple. We tell Him of what this person has done. Isn't it punishable to a high degree? This is a direct disobedience to one of the basic Ten Commandments- surely He will help us. He is known to many as One who has great authority.
The Man doesn't say anything. It's crazy, that He would just sit there. If He had seen what I saw, and felt the things I felt, surely He would help me. I look at my spouse with disapproval, and even something deeper- disdain. The more I argued my case, I began to see the others, drop their stones and slowly walk away. One by one they left me standing there with my husband, and this Man. How could they leave me, when they were supposed to be my friends? I felt betrayed by them as well. And so I looked at this Man, as He began writing in the sand with His finger.
And in the silence, I began to reflect on my life. This Man was quiet, yet His eyes caused me to begin a good self assessment. And it's as if a screen begins to unfold before me. I see myself telling lies to those who love me. I hear my voice whispering "I hate you," when I was punished by my loving parent. I see my hands hit my very own brother. I see myself make a choice to touch someone I shouldn't. I hear my thoughts daydream of killing someone that wronged me. I see myself drawn to sexual sin. I turn my back on those that are poor, and in need of help. I hear myself scream at my child that needed my attention, rather than disapproval. I disciplined out of anger. I spoke against my husband. I failed to show love to a neighbor. I judged other people's sins, and failed to see the severity of my own. And tears began to slip down my face. I turned to look at my spouse, and I no longer see him with anger. I look at this Man, and I feel loved, rather than judged. And I silently turn, let the stone drop from my hand, and leave this Man with my husband. And I walk away convicted of my own sin, and lovingly aware of overwhelming grace received from this Man, called Jesus.
***This is a story found in John 8:1-11. I have used it for the setting of my own story, to show how Jesus sees each one of us, carrying our own stones against our betrayers. I pray you'll join me, in having the courage to release your grip on the stones, and reflect on God's grace towards you <3
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44 ESV
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, it's so easy for me to see the wrong in my betrayers, and want retribution. What was done was wrong, and it hurt me. And yet when I am drawn to look closely at my own heart, I am convicted of my own story of sin, hurt and betrayal. Help me to drop any stone I may wish to cast at others, and offer the grace You offer me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
Life has its many ups and downs. Messes that seem impossible to fix. Hurts that are so deep, it seems they can never heal. The news is full of heartbreaking stories. But when pain touches your own life and home, hope can seem far away. Even harder- God seems far away. Why would God let this happen to me?
This verse is on my heart this morning : "Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." John 11:21 ESV. When our lives turn upside down, we quickly point our fingers towards Jesus, saying, "where are You in this? Why are you allowing this in my life?" Broken families, broken marriages, and broken hearts- these are all things He cares about, and yet they happen, even with Christians. Martha was frustrated with Jesus, and chastised Him for not being present, resulting in the death of her brother, Lazarus. His absence had a great cost to her!
Why are we so quick to ask God where He is in the dark part of our journeys? Has He ever proven Himself to be unfaithful to us? Before God sent us the Holy Spirit, it was true that Jesus wasn't physically present with Martha, Mary and Lazarus at his passing. For those of us who are His children, that can never be true. While we would love to place blame on God for allowing painful things to happen, it doesn't belong there.
When I allow myself to be distanced from His Spirit, I am in trouble. My marriage has greatly suffered from His absence in it. It isn't possible for both the husband and the wife to be walking close to the Lord, and land in hot water. We would love to place the blame anywhere, but on ourselves. We can't say- "Lord, if you had only been here..". We CAN say, "Lord, if I had only stayed with You."
If you are walking through a fiery trial, understand that as believers, He is with us. You are not alone on this rough part of your path. Jesus is present, and He longs for us to acknowledge His faithful Spirit. Jesus experienced betrayal from every single one of us, and yet He loves us still. It makes no sense, this love of our Savior. So today, step back from your painful circumstances, and look for Him- He is in it with us! He is carrying us when we are too weak to take another step, and just as He brought life back to Lazarus, He will bring us into the light and life of His love and hope!
Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20 ESV
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, we know You are never absent from us, and we confess we often stray from You. We quickly land in trouble when our lives aren't grounded in You. Help me to seek You in all of my life circumstances, knowing You are there, and You love me. Help me never to place blame on You for sin, and to accept blame when it's mine to own. When others hurt me with their choices- again, help me to know it isn't from You. Help me to grow in my relationship with You, knowing I will find Your strength there to carry me through these dark days. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
There is no sucker punch quite like hearing the words, "I'm leaving you." A thousand thoughts swirl around your brain and heart as you try to reconcile this statement with your reality. There are no words I expected to hear less than these, in my life journey. If you have been told these terrible three words, I wish I could reach through and give you a hard hug. One that says, "I understand." Everything that once felt certain, now hangs up in the air of uncertainty.
I have been a supported spouse for most of our marriage. Apart from the emotional wrecking ball of this statement, is the fear of what to do. I raised kids, kept house, fed my family homemade meals. I washed clothes, cleaned house, was the sole keeper of the family pets, and a myriad of other things. While I worked plenty hard, I didn't have an income to show for it. This work of being at the hub of a family is hard, and often under appreciated. It's been a gift, to be home and be present in my children's lives. But in this moment, I feel panicked. Where will I go? What will I do? What about health insurance? There are so many uncertainties that it begins to steal your peace, along with your breath. Fear is a weapon of Satan, and he is wielding it against me in full force.
The bottom line is this- I don't know the answers to what I will do, and where I will go and how I will provide for myself. Here is the thing though, we never know about tomorrow, but I have been given today. Only God knows my future, and how my story will go. And while this chapter of my journey is hard, God doesn't want me to live in fear. Fear is a good friend of worry, and I am sadly acquainted with both of them. So, how can I move out of the bondage of living in fear, and getting to a place of trust and hope? Do I need the answers to tomorrow, in order to do that?
The best place to look for answers to our fear and insecurities is in God's Word. The Bible has a lot to say about fear. Some of my favorites are these:
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
For God gave us a spirit NOT of fear but of power, and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from ALL my fears. Psalm 34:4 ESV
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14 ESV
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34 ESV
The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6 ESV
Can you see what God is saying to us through His words? When we have Him, we can cast aside fear. He longs to take them from us- ALL of them. It doesn't mean that I don't need to come up with a solid game plan for my life, but it does mean that I don't have to be afraid. He will fight my battles for me; I don't need to do anything but be silent. If fear is stealing your joy and peace, join me in casting them at the feet of Jesus Christ. You may, like me, have to do it repeatedly, but as we give Him our fears, He will give us His peace. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know He will meet me there!
Dear Heavenly Father, I give my fears and worries and anxieties over to You. I confess they are a constant struggle, and I long to trust You in all things. We know You are here with us today, fighting our battles for us. We also know You are in our tomorrows, places we aren't sure about- but we are sure about You. You are my hope and my Savior, and so I look to You for wisdom and guidance in all that is ahead of me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
I'm not one to have a temper. I'm not a screamer or a slammer of doors. I like harmony and I really dislike conflict. I am known for being easy-going and gentle. But in the face of infidelity, anger is real. It isn't fair. The feelings of being put to the side include rejection, yes, but also anger. Infidelity holds many of the same emotions as death. But I think the worst truth we hear loudly is how this was chosen. And this truth leads to anger.
It's understandable to be angry. The message we are getting from our spouse is beyond hurtful, and extremely selfish. How then, as christians, do we work through the feelings of anger without allowing it to fester and bring us down? Is being angry a sin? Does God understand our anger? Anger is an emotion, one that is part of the human emotional bank. God understands our feelings of anger, and was even angry Himself when He walked this earth. When Jesus entered the temple and saw it being used as a place to make money, He overthrew tables and displayed anger- RIGHTEOUS ANGER. He never sinned, we know that from scripture. His anger at the misuse of the temple was justified. Ephesians 4:26 says : Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, . We can see that anger isn't sinful, but what we do with it, and how we process it can lead to sin if we let it.
I confess, right here on this page, that I have sinned regarding the anger I feel over my marital situation. I have had some pretty bad thoughts, and while others may say that is understandable, God calls me to something harder, and ultimately better. Satan would love to use my anger to derail my usefulness to serving the Lord. I can let it be the emotion that gets the best of me, and jades my world with bitterness and self-pity. I can let it be the thought that pops in my head when I wake up, and go to bed at night. I could let this anger consume me and lead me down paths of unrighteousness. OR- I can choose to lay this ugly emotion down at the feet of Jesus, every single time it pops its ugly head up. I can acknowledge that I feel this way, and share those feelings with my Heavenly Father. I don't want to live bitter- I want to live a life of joy and peace. If I let anger be my controlling emotion, then joy will be stolen from me.
If you've walked this journey, or are currently walking it with me, you know the struggles associated with this powerful emotion. Satan longs to use anger to steal our peace. When we arm ourselves with God's Word, and His promises to us, we are better equipped to deal properly with anger, and protect ourselves from the havoc it can cause. What we are experiencing is terrible, and it can bring out the worst in us. We have had much taken from us, and anger will take even more- it will steal joy, contentment, and peace. Make some healthy emotional decisions that will help you process these feelings, and find a trusted confidant to share them with. And as always, take it before our Father, and confess and leave it there.
For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:20 ESV
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:31 ESV
The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Psalm 103:8 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, help me righteously work through my feelings of anger. Don't allow Satan to use it to derail me from Your good plans for me. I confess it is an emotion I am struggling with, and I pray that I will acknowledge it and lay it at Your feet. Restore to me the joy and peace You long for me to experience. Thank You for Your grace and mercy and love towards me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
