I am Thomas

I sat beside his bed, holding the hand of my husband. Thirty years of doing life together conjured up so many rich memories. How could I go on without him, I wondered? We were a team—partners, lovers, and best friends. And now this. The doctors had given us news that literally shook us: stage 4 cancer. How are you supposed to handle that kind of news? 

In another home across the world a woman sat alone. Fearful and heartbroken, she faced the awful news that her husband had left her. The clothes and books and his well-worn recliner seemed to mock her in his absence. Was it over? Would things ever be okay again? How was she supposed to move forward alone? She missed him desperately, yet here she was—broken and filled with doubt.

Centuries earlier, a similar situation played out in a distant land. As he looked on, he saw his friend hanging on a cross. Broken and bloodied and dying. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He had placed all of his faith in this Man, and now He was dying—leaving them and shattering his hopes that Jesus was truly the long-awaited Messiah. Why had he been so foolish to believe, he thought to himself? Why did it have to end this way?

The disciples were gathered together and Jesus appeared to them after that awful day of His death. While Jesus had told them prior to His death that He would indeed die and raise from the dead, they didn't understand what He meant. So when they saw Him, their hope was restored—He really was the Messiah. He really was Who they had believed Him to be. This caused them great joy and I'm sure, a huge sense of relief. But Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get to see Him, and when he was told that Jesus had appeared to them, he refused to believe it.

Not only did Thomas refuse to believe the news, but he adamantly refused. In fact, these are his words:

"Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe (John 20:25, ESV)."  Never.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to His disciples again, except this time Thomas was with them. How do you think Thomas felt when Jesus, knowing his heart and his words, asked him to place his finger in the nail print in his hand and to place his hand on His side and feel the place where the sword had pierced Him? I would imagine in that moment, Thomas felt an ocean full of regret and sorrow. He had doubted the Lord, and the Lord had called him out on it. Not in a mean way—but in a very direct way. And Jesus then told Thomas: "Do not disbelieve, but believe (John 20:27b, ESV)." 

It's so easy to point fingers at Thomas and judge him for his doubting heart. How could he have seen the works of the Lord and then doubt His identity? He had watched Him perform many miracles in the three years he spent with Him—healing people, feeding multitudes from only a few loaves and fish, raising people from the dead. How could he have been an eye-witness to these miraculous acts, only to doubt Him as He hung on the cross? It seems foolish, and yet I've been there, and maybe you have too.

The truth is, God heals cancer. God restores broken marriages. God gives the addict freedom from substance abuse. God makes a way when it seems there is none. God cures. God rescues. That's what He does, and I often easily forget that when I'm faced with situations that seem absolutely impossible. I doubt Him. I forget what He's done. I'm no different or better than Thomas.

But Thomas didn't stay a doubter. After he touched the wounds of Jesus, he appropriately addressed Him as "my Lord and my God." History records that later Thomas would lose his life as a martyr. He could have stayed in a place of disbelief, but he didn't—and I don't have to stay in a place of doubt either. Why? Because I've personally seen the hand of Jesus miraculously move in my own life. I've had a front row seat to witnessing the power of God transform people—transform my marriage, and transform lives. When I stop to consider these things I can release worry and doubt that grips my heart when I'm the one sitting by the hospital bed or facing an unfaithful spouse or a child addicted to drugs. Is it hard—yes. Does it hurt—absolutely. But I serve a God who is able.

Even though He is able, God doesn't always heal that stage 4 husband. He doesn't always bring back a wayward child or spouse. The addict will take the final dose that takes their life. Our world is broken, and sin has touched every part of it. But as believers, we don't have to live in a place of doubt. God will make all things new and restore His creation. He cares about us and wants us to hope in Him. He can do all things, and in His strength, so can we. And sometimes–somedays, that's enough to remove every bit of doubt from our hearts no matter what we are facing. May we, like Thomas remember—truly see Him, and then address Him as our Lord and our God. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6, ESV). 

Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him (Mark 11:23, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be remembered by our faith, and not our doubts. May we be Christians that leave a legacy that says "they trusted in God, and lived it." In Your name we pray, Amen!

Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

The Remember Stones

          As a little girl, my sister and I loved to collect pretty rocks. We had some shiny, smooth black rocks given to us by a sweet older gentleman. I don't have mine today, but I kept them for years. We had some crystalized purple and green rocks we bought from the gift shop of a mine. In all honesty, they were pretty, but apparently worthless, if they willingly sold them to little children for a couple bucks. And then we loved to find fool's gold. These rocks were plain, other than the dusting of gold that covered their outer layer. We always hoped that somehow, they weren't fool's gold, but rather authentic, and we would be rich from our fortunate find. Sadly, that was never the case for us. 
     These rocks were significant to the two of us, because they had sentimental meaning to them. There was no real value in them, other than our memories. I wonder if the children of Israel had those same sentimental thoughts, when they looked on the twelve stones retrieved from the bottom of the Jordan River. These stones had no value, other than they signified how God had opened the river to allow them to cross with the Ark of the Covenant. Joshua had one man from every tribe, carry a stone from the Jordan to where they lodged. While these rocks were likely plain to look upon, they told an amazing and miraculous story that pointed those who would look on them, to the redemptive and unmatchable power of God. 
     Wouldn't it be amazing if we had rock memorials from the many times God has touched us- rocks that signified His redemption and healing in our life events? If it were so, I would look behind me and be blown away by the sea of rocks telling stories of my own deliverance. I would see piles that showed how He saved me from being eternally lost, at the tender age of eleven. I'd see how He helped me through school, and provided opportunities for college and a degree. I would smile at the ones that reminded me of how He opened the door to being married to my best friend. I would be touched at the healing of multiple sicknesses, and heartaches. I would shed tears over His faithfulness in blessing me with a son and daughter, after years of infertility and pregnancy loss. And my heart would be undone each time I looked upon the rocks that reminded me of how He is restoring our hearts and our marriage, after being shattered by infidelity. 
     Yes, my past is littered with beautiful stories that point to a Savior- One who is intimately involved in my life. Answered prayers. Healed hearts. People who call me "mom". Each story is a testimony to who He is, and what He does. And should I have a rock in place to remember, it would cause me to overflow with gratitude each time my eyes fell upon them. While I may not have rocks to remind me of His goodness, I do have memories. How thankful I am for all He has done, and will do for me. I challenge you stop today, friend, and remember the times He has worked mightily in your own life. We serve a God who loves to save, deliver, restore, and work- His purpose for doing so isn't just to make us happy, but rather to point others to His Son. Celebrate with me, the goodness of our Father, and the wonderful works He does for His children.

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the works of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, Psalm 103:2 ESV
Then take care lest you forget the LORD, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, and out of the house of slavery. Deuteronomy 6:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the many times You've saved and delivered me from danger. I thank You for the countless blessings I've received from Your gracious hand. I praise You, Father, for Your gift of salvation. Help me to recall the many wonders You've done for me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

Coming After Us

     I am a beach girl at heart, and a few weeks ago, we were blessed to enjoy a week along the breathtaking beaches of Florida's gulf coast. Vacation gives you some extra thinking time, which I love, and time, in general, to slow down, connect, and relax. While wading through the beautiful crystal waters of Panama City Beach (highly recommended beach to put on your bucket list), I was talking to my daughter and my niece about the pursuit of God. All of us had the enormous blessing of being raised in a family that taught us all about Him since our earliest memories, so we didn't have to look long and hard to find Him. But an amazing truth that stood out to me, is that even if I hadn't been raised this way, He would have pursued me- just like He pursues each one of us.
     One of the most precious promises I have personally witnessed Him keep, is that He pursues His wandering children. In times of my rebellion, He chased after me. And when my husband wandered away from Him, and into a relationship with another woman, He pursued him as well. As Christians, this promise gets us through those painful times of life, when we feel the sting of separation between us and God, or a loved one who is away from not only us- but God as well. We know that He is a God that pursues those who have fallen away, and need rescued, because we have witnessed it in our own lives.

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     All of us will, at some point, allow a separation between us and our Heavenly Father. Whether it is intentional or not, it happens. It can seem as harmless as being too busy to make Him our priority. It can result from allowing other plans to crowd out our call to "remember Him", neglecting to collectively gather in our places of worship. And it can even be as simple as allowing people we love, to take a place before Him. Alcohol, drugs, materialism, and sex can take His place. We allow so many things to replace Him. And yet- He will come after us, just as He promises (Deuteronomy 31:6).
     While I personally dislike the feeling of another person chasing me, His pursuit is a comfort. As a kid, I hated the feeling of one of my siblings chasing me down the stairs. Never did my feet move faster than having one of them chase me on that staircase. But when God chases us, it isn't to scare us, it's to rescue us. He is chasing me for my benefit, while my siblings chased me for their fun. It often stings, and feels painful as He convicts us to turn back to Him, but we know that in His presence there is peace and safety, and no reason for fear. 
     When we are caught by our Pursuer, we wonder why we ever left. There is nothing like the comfort found in the presence of our Father. As little children, we craved the presence of our earthly parents, and the security they offered us. God is the only perfect Parent, and in His presence, we don't only feel secure, we are secure. If you're a child of God, and you've wandered, know that He will pursue you.  My brother specifically prayed that God would relentlessly pursue my husband. We have power in praying the same for any we love that have strayed from the Father, and from us. Don't ever doubt His ability to pursue and restore. Just as scripture paints the picture of Him as our Shepherd, seeking the lost, He also seeks those who have lost their way. While we often want to do the pursuing ourselves, why not leave it to the Master? "Father, exercise our faith in You, by showing Your power in bringing the wanderers back to the fold!"

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 ESV
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 ESV

Heavenly Father, we thank You for pursuing us, time and time again. Your faithfulness to us is humbling, and we are so thankful You never give up on us. For those we love who may be wandering, we pray Your convicting Spirit will lead them back. In the name of Jesus, we pray, Amen!




     

Loving and Healing- An Update

     I'm sitting here this morning, a little sunburnt, and with a grateful heart, thinking of the holiday weekend spent with family. While I didn't feel well this past weekend (thanks to some mysterious orange pollen coating everything outside our home), I was so happy to be with the people I love the most. I promised to update occasionally on where we are, and how we are doing. It's been a couple months, so I wanted to post a little about what's going on with us. It's funny how we've been married almost 26 years next month, but this year has felt like a new beginning. One of the good things that came out of our marriage breaking, was the opportunity for a fresh start- correcting the things we had allowed to grow old and routine.
     One of the biggest changes for us, is time spent together as a couple. Although we spent time together as a couple before, it had grown more into the process of elimination for it being just the two of us. With children that are young adults, it seems they often have their own plans, and it would end up just being the two of us for dinner or an evening out, by default. But how much better it is to make time for one another, regardless of what the kids are up to- choosing to spend an evening out together means a lot more than doing it because no one else was available. I will always be an encourager of this for any of my married friends, acquaintances, or readers. Please make the time to enjoy the company of your spouse. By doing this, you're investing in your marriage and the expense will be worth it.
     We still continue to go to counseling every couple weeks. The sessions are a great time to work through any thoughts or feelings we may have, as well as learning new tools to work through issues that may arise. We recently faced a business trip back to the area of the affair, and I expected Satan to whisper words of doubt in my ear and heart as we were apart. But what I didn't expect, was a louder Voice that quieted my spirit, and my newfound faith in my husband to feel secure while he was away. This is the result of the work we are doing in rebuilding our relationship on a solid foundation- Jesus Christ. It is also the result of being able to openly share our thoughts without feeling unsure of how they will be received. I want to encourage you all to keep the doors of communication open in all areas of your marriage. Share what you think, and learn the art of careful listening to the thoughts of your partner- not to use the time they are talking to craft your own words or comeback!
     Our life at home with our family is falling back into a pattern of normalcy. The awkwardness that once lived here is gone. While there is always room for improvement, we have spent time enjoying our kids and praying for them specifically each night together. We continue our morning and evening devotions and prayer, and I can't think of a more intimate way to share life and our marriage. In order for us to grow together, we need to keep growing individually. In what ways can you invest in personal growth, that will benefit your relationship or marriage? I need to have some good personal attributes to bring to the table, and I need to remove relationship killers like pride, selfishness, greed, a critical spirit, and other toxic behaviors. 
     Each day, I feel so thankful for a marriage being restored by God. It humbles me greatly to understand how much He values marriage- specifically my own. While my husband's affair used to take up a lot of residence in my brain, it is being removed a little more each day. His love and care for me, along with with the help of my Heavenly Father, is tearing away the barriers of distrust and fear. I'm not naive anymore to think we won't face further assaults from Satan, but I am relishing this new "us" that makes me feel hopeful, grateful, and a little mushy all over again. Keep praying for us, friends, that God will use our story in ways we never imagined, and that our hearts always feel as warm for one another, as they do today!

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great. Job 8:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the gifts You give me each day. I pray  I'll never lose sight of the blessings I've received by Your hand. Help us to reach others that are hurt by broken marriages, and introduce them to the hope and healing You offer. Continue to strengthen us in our marriage, and others who are rebuilding theirs. Comfort those who weren't given the opportunity for restoration, and guide and help them in their own journeys. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Let Go, But Don't Give up Hope!

     I recently posted a blog about letting go, and how it was a lesson I had to learn. Apparently, feeling in control was very important to me and I was pretty challenged in learning to let go, and truly allow God to do His work. But I can tell you for certain, when my husband left that second time I felt defeated- I had surely lost the fight for my marriage. It sure looked that way, but I was trusting God to somehow carry me through to the "new" that He had for me.
     And that is where hope came in. I had placed hope in a restored husband and restored marriage, instead of placing my hope in Jesus Christ. My challenge was learning to place my hope in the plans He had for me- whatever they were. I had to believe that the plans ahead would someday, somehow, bring healing and joy. I had to believe that He loved me and would heal my heart and restore my brokenness. And I also had to believe that in some way, it was possible that my marriage wasn't over- but only if He opened the door. But in this moment, I had to let go and wait expectantly for the good He had planned for me.
     If you are walking through a valley, don't give up hope. Some days will look dark and nearly impossible to overcome, and yet God is able in every situation. When I got to this point in my journey, God quickly moved to throw open doors I never imagined. But that door didn't open until I let Him take over. We struggle with allowing God to take control of our lives and think we know better. God forgive me for my foolish ways of thinking! 
     One of my favorite promises found in scripture is found in 1 Peter 5:10. (And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.) Brothers and sisters, we are going to suffer trials in our lives: it's unavoidable living in am imperfect world. But we won't stay there forever! This scripture promises that after a little while, the God of grace will restore us once again. If we can wrap our minds around that truth in the valley, we can look forward with hope, knowing the mountaintop awaits us- and very soon, He will place us there! God, I thank You for delivering me from my distress, and for faithfully upholding Your precious promises to me! 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 ESV
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25 ESV
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Psalm 71:5 ESV
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray I will let You have control in my life, and that I will never lose hope in Your promises to me. Thank You for walking me through my darkest days, and for victoriously leading me out into the "new" You have for me. Strengthen my trust and faith in You always, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Would I Take him Back?

     What were the things that initially drew you to your spouse? For me, it was his confidence, fun personality, beautiful blue eyes, interest in spiritual things, and a persistence in pursuing me. I never thought he would be who I would marry, because for years, he was just my younger brother's best friend. I knew he liked me, but it wasn't until college that I discovered I liked him back.
     We spent many happy years together, as a married couple. I loved how he made me feel secure, protected, and loved. I enjoyed spending time with him. We traveled, had dinner dates, and enjoyed sexual intimacy. We raised kids, worked to build a family and home, and poured ourselves into our church. This man was my person, and I loved him! I never imagined things would change the way they did. I took for granted our marriage, and our commitment to it.
     An affair changes things. It takes a solid foundation, and puts a huge crack in it. Where do we go from here? A new possibility entered- a future apart from one another. Would there be a chance for us to work things out? Was it possible for us to restore our marriage? Did we want to? These were tough questions that I wrestled with daily. 
     Apart from grace that only God can give, the answer would have been no. Apart from forgiveness patterned after Jesus, and how He forgives, it would be impossible. Apart from a willingness on his side to surrender himself to God and His will, it wouldn't happen. But the bottom line is- I remembered what was. I remembered his role in my life, and how important it was. I remembered my vows- and what they meant. I remembered how God sees marriage. And I remembered our love, before things fell apart.
     Not everyone can open themselves up to restoring a marriage, but I do believe if given the opportunity, and with God guiding, it is what was right for me. I didn't want him back for the security of finances; I didn't want him back for what he had to offer me. I simply was willing to take him back because I loved him still, and wanted to honor my Heavenly Father by loving like He does- without limits. Would my husband give me that chance? Well, I will share that with you another day;) 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV
Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Isaiah 43:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we all are so thankful for the many opportunities You give us after we disappoint You with sin. I thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, offered so generously towards me. Lord, help me to offer it to those I love when I have been wronged. Help me to have Your strength to do what I cannot, on my own. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

What have I Learned?

     Life is like school. We may think we know most of what we need to know by the time we graduate college, but in reality, I knew little of what I needed to know at that point in life. Life is full of lessons- some are good and some are hard. But if we walk it, we need to get something out of it. If we don't, it was a wasted experience, and other experiences will follow until we get the point.
     When bad things happen, we can get stuck in the cycle of asking "why". We won't always know why, and we might not understand the answer even if we did. "Why" makes me anxious and uptight, and even a little angry. Why did this happen? Why did it happen to me? Why was I allowed to experience this heartache? Why did he do it? Focusing on "why" isn't going to help me make progress. Friends, sometimes we don't get our answer, and even if we did, it won't change what happened. 
     When bad things do happen to us, and they will, we can look for what we have learned through the trial. If I have to experience a heartbreaking issue in my life, I want to learn from it. If I don't, shame on me. I don't want to learn cynicism from it, because that wouldn't be what God meant for me to learn. I don't want to learn bitterness from it, because that won't bring me to healing. I want to find the good things I learned as I walked that painful road, and use them to change me for the better.
     Infidelity changed me. I don't take life for granted, and I don't take my marriage for granted. I appreciate the grace of God in a new way. I understand my own shortcomings I had failed to see before. I no longer underestimate the viciousness of Satan's attacks. I realize the importance of staying intimately connected to my Heavenly Father. My eyes were opened to the serious consequences of bad choices, made by parents, in the life of our children. I am humbled at the working of the Holy Spirit to restore and make new. I am overwhelmed with the comfort offered by Jesus in dark times. I am much more aware of our fallibility. And through His Spirit, I am stronger than I ever imagined. 
     Yes, life has many lessons. And when I am tested, I want to pass. And if I don't pass, I want an opportunity for test corrections. I want to learn good things from hard things. I want to grow through my trials, and not falter. I want to use my experiences to point others to Jesus. I want to be a light in a world full of darkness. And I want to keep learning, keep growing, and move past the "why", into something better- something that results in being more like my Savior. 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, Philippians 3:13 ESV
Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come. 1 Corinthians 10:11 ESV
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn good things from the bad experiences in life. Help keep me from bitterness and anger, and look for ways to use them to develop into someone more like You. May I use the trials I experience to grow and learn. And help me to remember how You carry me through them all. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

His Story- Buried in Lies

     Have you ever found yourself caught in a lie? We have to all be honest here- we all lie. It's not okay, and it's doesn't make it excusable, but we are all guilty. It's an uncomfortable moment, to know you are caught, and yet we seldom just raise our hand, and say- I'm sorry, I lied. Instead, we usually tell another one to try to get out of the first. It's an ugly cycle, for sure. When it comes to infidelity, everything is pretty much a lie.
     An affair is not based on truth. We tell lies, or lies of omission, to cover up the truth. The simple act of slipping off a wedding ring to deceive, is a lie. Leaving out details of my marriage and family, is dishonest. Telling my wife lies to hide my actions became second nature. It was an ugly and exhausting place to live- a world of disillusionment. This was not what I had been saved for- rather it had been what I was saved from! And here I was, shrugging back into the cloak of sin and evil. 
     I have always been known by others for my integrity and honesty, and for the truth of who I had become to be uncovered, made me very uncomfortable, and shattered my image and self-esteem. The truth is this- lies are humbling. I had lived too long in a place of pride and dishonesty, and living a double life would eventually bring me to the bottom. 
     It's hard to lose respect of those who loved me the most, and yet it was because of my own actions. There wasn't a time I was comfortable with my actions or the lies I was telling, and yet I continued to do it out of selfishness. It took a long time for me to see what was driving me to this out-of-character behavior, but the bottom line was simply a selfishness that had no place in the life of a believer.
     You may struggle with lies as well, and find it hard to keep track of what you have said. Lies hurt those that love us, but they also hurt our Heavenly Father. Lies need to be confessed in order to be forgiven. If you are the one deceiving, own up to it and allow God to help make things right. If you have been hurt by the lies of your spouse, I pray you will get the apology you so deserve. But if you don't, you can still find freedom in forgiving them without ever receiving an apology. You can't ever make a marriage reconcile this way, but if reconciliation isn't possible, freedom always is. I am so grateful for the grace of God, for without it, I would be lost forever. His grace makes all things possible, and the grace shown to me by my wife was a gift I couldn't understand, apart from her knowing the heart of our Savior. I am thankful to share my journey with you, and pray that through my sin and betrayal, I can point you to the only One that can erase it all, and give hope and life through His Son!

Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who act faithfully are his delight. Proverbs 12:22 ESV
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Colossians 3:9-10 ESV
For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live in truth, and to let my words be acceptable in Your sight. Forgive me for lies, deceit, and selfishness. Help to restore my relationships, and to be a man after Your heart. I thank You for grace, and second chances. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

A Heart like King David

     You may be familiar with David's story in the Bible. It's a pretty shocking one, to be frank. You have a man lusting after a bathing woman, and he uses his position of authority to claim her, sexually. Never mind that she is a married woman- married to one of his faithful soldiers. David has Bathsheba brought to the palace, and takes what he has no business taking from her. His sin led to a pregnancy. The pregnancy would expose his sin- and so he has her husband placed in the front lines of battle, knowing it would claim his life. He then takes her as his own wife, but God will bring to light what David tried to hide, as He always does.
     This story isn't just a story, it happened. It reeks of sin and selfishness, yet King David is known to God as a "man after God's heart." In fact, God called him this on two separate occasions. Our humanity often doesn't speak the language of grace, like God. We look at this story and see someone who is awful, selfish, evil, and deserves punishment- but fail to see it in ourselves. Some possibly struggled with the blog post yesterday about the beginning of my husband's story of infidelity. But in all honesty, before God, we are all just sinners in need of His grace and mercy.
     I love how King David's sin didn't disqualify him from further service to God- in fact, some of his best days came after his affair and murder of Uriah. Many of the most touching Psalms were written by David, with a broken spirit sold out for His beloved God- the God of grace and redemption. This brings another story to mind found in Luke 7 of a sinful woman who entered the home where Jesus was, and poured out an outrageously costly jar of perfume on the feet of Jesus, and used her hair to wipe it off. Simon didn't understand why Jesus would let this sinful woman come close to Him. I love how Jesus admonishes him and says these precious words: "because her sins have been forgiven, she has loved much (Luke 7:47)." 
     When we have experienced God's grace from a very low point in life, we have the makings of  David's heart- one that wants to please God. We may look down our noses at sin, and never experience the joy of knowing God's grace at a level that brings absolute love and devotion. I want to have a heart like David, and I want to have compassion for those that are brought low. I want to see myself in David's highs, but I also want to see myself clearly as the sinful David- capable of falling, and often failing. I pray that I will guard myself each day, and understand how easily I can give in to temptation. And I pray most of all, to show God's grace to any who fall along their way, and to love them unconditionally, just as God loves me. 

But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:15 ESV
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, Ephesians 1:7 ESV
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin." Selah Psalm 32:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to recognize my own weaknesses, and not just see them in others. Give me a compassionate heart- one that sees the lost, the hurting, and those who have fallen, with love. I thank You for being a God of restoration, and I thank You for the countless times You have showered me with Your undeserving grace. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Family Ties or Divide?

     I have an amazing family and extended family. These are my people, and I love them. We are loud, and a little crazy. I have one sister, and two brothers, and tons of nieces and nephews. We all live in the same area and spend holidays together. These people are not just my family, they are my friends. 
     Family is fiercely loyal- at least mine is. We stick by each other through the good and the bad. This doesn't just apply to my siblings and parents, but extends to the older nieces and nephews as well. We don't believe that in-laws aren't equal to the original clan; we accept them as one of us. So when our marriage fell apart, it was painful to so many! 
     In family, we have a huge source of support and love. I am so thankful for that, and leaned heavily on them. Each one of them was always there for me, willing to help in any way. While I welcomed their comfort, I had to be careful. I had a lot of feelings and information that was painful- things that would be hard to hear and know. And while I had a burden I was carrying, I often felt the harder stuff was best not shared with them. 
     I was hurt and unsure of what the future would hold. Would we ever reconcile, or would this end in a painful divorce? Regardless of what had happened, I did love my husband (at least by choice). If we ever reconciled, I would be able to forgive the things he had done, but would they? If I shared really painful information with them, I could hinder those relationships from being restored if we decided to work things out.
     This was, at times, a lonely journey. Had it not been for my husband's sister, I would have really struggled. I knew that his sister would continue to love him, no matter what I said. I knew she was praying for us all through the day and even during the night. I knew she loved me, and I knew she loved our children. She sent encouraging texts, scriptures and checked in often through the day. She was a safe place for my scariest thoughts, and I will always treasure her for that. 
     I want to encourage you to find a person like that. Choose wisely, and think about how this person will respond if you ever decide to reconcile. Don't automatically assume you won't reconcile- wait on God's timing and answer. We need someone we can take our feelings and thoughts to, knowing they will respond in love and with spiritual wisdom. But remember we have another valuable resource- our Heavenly Father! He is always with us, and longs to carry our burdens for us. He wants this valley to bring us close to Him and rely on His strength to see us through. I spoke to Him in my head, and I spoke to Him out loud. And you know what?  The most wonderful thing happened when I talked to Him - He spoke back! Listen friends, really listen. He will speak, and you won't want to miss it!

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV
Blessed be the LORD, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah Psalm 68:19
How can I bear by myself the weight and burden of you and your strife? Deuteronomy 1:12 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for family. I pray that I will not say things to them that will cause division or anger. Help me to be wise in what I share, and who I share things with. May I always remember the resource I have in You- You long to carry my burdens for me, so I gratefully lay them at Your feet. Thank You for Your love for me, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!